sorry im a bum.

i haven't been on lately due to the wedding from hell. eh im over dramatic

my juice fast was both successful and unsuccessful

lastest through the 72 hours only to lose two pounds.not as much as i was anticipating.

i have been hanging out with mia the past couple of days.

she is the kind of friend who seems like she has a good idea but then those ideas always come back to bite you in the ass.

i think i gave up getting to my ideal weight for her wedding,

now im just trying to make it to a content weight. which is called settling.

what have i turned into. i think i am pathetic is because i couldn't careless about this wedding.

what i look like, or who seees me there. its sad but these people aka my family make me want to join a traveling circus.

you know somewhere that people are relatively more normal. i am the black sheep, and quite used to it.

im sure im not the only one.

how about some upbeat thinspo! to counteract my bad mood... :)

its tuesday and its beautiful out

okay so heres how my day is supposed to go:

go for a run (25 mintes)

2 glasses of water

walk to work

work

only 3 glasses of water/tea and 1 cup of coffee

walk home from work

go to the crafts store to buy something entertaining and time consuming

come home and start the book that has been on my night stand for about 1 month

read all night while only having one cup of green tea

later i'll post my update and what actually gets done.

im a planner, i need to know what's going on and what i'm supposed to do.

otherwise i become lost, i get screwy and always get backed up.

im sure many anas feel this way. this is why i hate going out. you never know what will happen and its hard to plan for the unexpectable.

my brother is coming over this weekend and i miss that shithead. im just anticipating our cycle to repeat itself, stay tuned for the danger ahead!

fail to plan, plan to fail.

ate more things than i can count on to hands today.

72 hour juice/water fast starting tomorrow.

wanna join?

i need this. have a goal for this week, have to lose three pounds by saturday.

wish me luck, and same to you.

all love,

coraline

you are what you eat

so where exactly have i been...?
good question, no answer.


i have loads of reading material now, thanks to follow my bloggers. it been a long week and i dropped about three pounds thanks to it. running here and there for the bridal queen. hey at least it keeps me behaved. je suis fatigue. so tired.
last night was the bachelorette party in the city, dinner and dancing. which means salad and booze. dessert was a treat though, tiramisu heaven on earth! coffee soaked cake with whipped cream and coco powder. oh my god. ate only half though. it was so delicious.
on the downside the party was a slap in the face of how great all the girls looked and how chubby i really am. and they eat like hardy portions.
can you answer me this, why is life so unfair?
i kill myself mentally & physically to fit into size zero, and they just roll with the ball.
side note: its like appauling to me, the girls who squeeze into these short dresses with cellulite, or big boobs pouring out into someones face.
PUT SOME CLOTHES ON FOR CHIRST's SAKES

its actually kind of comical how everyone in my family is so obilivous to my mia/ana. i could skip an entire weeks worth of food, spit/chew everything, or puke out brains and no one would even figure it out. the jugdes are still out whether this is a blessing or curse. i like how i have the option of what i do or do nto eat but i think its depressing to some extent, i mean who the hell gives a damn, apparently no one here.

im stomach hurts and my heads throbbing a bit, so fresh air will do my body good.
plus there are donuts, (even though im not a donut eater) on my counter and pizza in the fridge looking at me.
so i say lets go get distracted.

who am i, where did i come from. how can i get back?

got my period this weekend. and my stomach must pay for the pain my uterus is giving me!

it was shopping day and i didn't go with my family, they of course only like to buy off-limits foods like ice cream, cookies, chips, things that could really get me into trouble, (when i go with them, while they are not looking i take the those types of food out of the cart)

but i didn't go and i must have had to rows of fudge cookies and three glasses of whole milk.

why not just cut open my thigh open and manually stuff fat in?

so food wise i sucked, i also had a bad weekend with this one girl i like. F.

but now I'm having mixed feelings, her best friend i hate and when they are together they act like one. this is a turn off, she is nasty and aggressive with everything.

i changed my room around got rid of my bed, have a futon now. great for all the company i will never have over. i know my period is making me a Debbie downer but i am feeling quite alone these days. i only have one friend and siblings. i ran away from old friends and never bothered to make new. now i don't talk to people and am in turn very shy. i also am paranoid and that makes it incredibly hard to have a normal conversation.

sometimes i cry really hard because i don't have anyone to talk to. and i look in my phone at the only four numbers i call, three are blood relatives and one is my work number. i feel so pathetic and isolated from the world. i don't have a facebook and Ana is the only thing i stay in touch with. this is a serious problem for me. i have never experienced loneliness then these moments in my life. i need to feel happy, in control of me. control will help me be more presentable, more lovable, more open. Ana helps me through that door. otherwise I'm stuck on the other side of the door. looking through the crack on the bottom of the door, listening to the noises, laughter, following the shadows of the people in a happy world. one i dream to always be apart of. who am i, where did i come from. how can i get back?

finals are over, we must rejoice!
I'm so glad to get on with my life now that they are over. but now i have to feel school space with new distractions. something productive and useful.
maybe picking up a dance class, god knows i could use the balance. i am about the most clumsiest person to stumble across this earth.

maybe i could finally pick up some reading material, settle down with a good book and finish it.
so i pick up my phone this morning only to get a suprise.
this boy, M. who by all means i consider my best friend sends me a strange picture.

lets get the details down about M. first.
beyond illtelligent, great sense of humor. heterosexual. very attarctive. good body.
boyscout (goofy quality). and always there when i need to talk.
but i have no interest, we are friends but he always trys to presue something thats not there.
its not like i dont find his attractive, its more that i only see him as a brother or friend.
but this picture he sends me, jokingly is him in a typical stripper outfit bowtie, shirtless and rose in mouth.

im actually not shitting you, he has some sense of humor, let me tell you.
i have about [--que hands--]this much clue to what he wants me to say or do with this picture.
its a very confusing relationship from start to finish.
i have a dress fitting tomorrow and im waking up at the break of dawn to run my fat ass off.
at least that is what i hope to achieve. goodnight ladies.

a mothers day spend in the bathroom.

I'm struggling through the day.
i'm not in the least bit hungry
so i have just been snacking. dry cereal to coffee to miso to diet ice tea to pineapple.
i just am not even bothering.
i have a lot of work to do so i'm sorry about the lack of communication, its finals week and i'm writing about sex and sexuality and how there are binary constructs on it (male/female or hetero/homo) YOU MUST CHOOSE! load of shit if you ask me.

well everything i talk about it i go on a rant and then everyone listening tunes out.
so i better quit while i'm ahead.i'm just passionate and very opinionated on the subject.

anyways i'm just in a little of a runt. my brothers in town. he happens to be a year young and the only person i told i had issues to. we used to be as close as anything. but i moved out because of my mom (happy mothers day!), she is crazy and has about as many psychotic episodes as Tom Cruise. So by me moving out i lost a lot of me and my brothers relationship. he was my best friend now i don't even know who he is. so when he comes to visit i get excited only to be disappointed with who shows up.
i feel like the only thing he takes me for is that i'm old enough to by him some cigarettes.
what a productive relationship! i just don't want to grow older and not know who or where he may be. i was very close with my brother and sisters when i was younger but i only feel us all growing apart.

how can i relate to a 16 year old boy? who the hell knows.

besides the whole having eaten much solid today, i have peeing like a faucet.
every ten minutes, makes it impossible to concentrate and i feel like i should make my permanent home the toilet bowl. eh, i have to go again.

i hope you all have special mothers to share today with, my hearts with you!
Coraline

had a rough weekend.

and now its mothers day.

the fun just continues!

posting later.

feeling drained.

sorry about the excessive changing things around on the blog.

just being very indecisive this week.

for the record my blog went from

Finding Perfection to IN ANA"S ARMS to finally Sing a Song About Coraline.

thank you for your support.

now we say goodnight, from our own separate sides

to get to the worst of it,

i had a fight with bridezilla

ended up on a diet soda, chocolate chip cookies, and popcorn binge.

and this is me, getting back from the good old toilet.

now my head feels like its not attached.

i hate my (self medicated) emotional eating

one stray from a normal day or breakdown leads to a whirlpool of food flowing down my throat and into my stomach. its like a flushing of emotion. isn't this how obese people act?

oh lucky day

afterward i feel sore. the woes of of mia finally just hit me.

i cant quite figure out what is worst, going on the binge or throwing it all up.

i was doing so fucking good, up to this point. even though throwing up "fixed" my bad but its the idea of venturing away from mia and into ana's arms, that is eating me up.

will i ever just be normal, and talk things out.

no way, of course i have to torture my body.

well it serves it right, looking like this...

why do i have to hate myself, please let me know now if this is an adolescent thing.

i really like to have some positive look in the future.

tell me! tell me!

i was watching episodes of supersize vs. superskinny.

these are the kinds of shows they need to have in the US.

reality shows about jersey shore are not cutting it for me.

i like to see what the skinny girls eat.

i know recently i have been preaching about trying to be ana.

but i wouldn't want anyone to have the wrong idea

it isn't ideal to be anorexic, but you become labelled in this world.

its like someone has a label maker just going down the list

putting us into categories, tagging our foreheads

this sounds bad.

im not a stereotype of nothing, but think about it.

from the moment we are born we are labelled and sorted into a category.

RACE, GENDER, CLASS, ETC.

i think if our world wasn't able to sort people,

what the hell would they do with all that free time?

anyway my point is, im not this or that

all anybody really wants is success.

success is measured by the beholder

my success is happiness, above all is to be content in my own skin.

I'm not exactly anorexic and im not exactly bulimic

i am very particular about food, try to eat healthy, most of the time it works out.

i binge on occasion and throw up.

do what you want with me.

but i will do as i may, and keep walking

i am a hermit, and only bad things happen when i step outside

after readin my conversation two things occurred to me.
oh that doesn't seem so bad.
and that i may have forgotten a few things...(for the record i was in the library writing the dailogue and i had to stop, because im a paranoid idiot.)

again i dont know what excatly what was said but i know that the other girl admitted she was exposed to bulima for a week, which doesn't count if you ask me. but she got more in depth about what she went through and how i must be crazy if i think i shouldn't eat to lose weight.
blah blah blah...

yesterday her ears must have been ringing becasue i recieved a missed call from her..
of course i didn't pick up but itexted her later.

she asked if everything was alright with me and why i left so early in the morning. told her i had things to do and dont like sleeping in.she asked me to meet up with her later this week and i said i have work. (at this point im totally avoiding her). i think its for the best at least for a while

memo to self: no more drinking.

swimming with sharks

i have gone off the deep end.
salad for breakfast.
miso for dinner.
im going to continue eating this till im 110.

even i don't blieve this will work.
but i light-headed right now
so at this point i will believe anything.

about the whole, let me spill my secrets out
haven't heard from the person yet,
actually i think it may have been two people.
one only half way in the conversation
but the conversation went somethign like this.

ME:i wish i could waste away
Her: thats a strange thign to say
ME: not a strange thign to say when you are are fat as me
Her: is that a joke, you are at your perfect weight, you were way to skinny before
ME: well maybe i would be taht skinny if i stopped eating
Her: thats so stupid
ME: not stupid, enlightening. being thin is beautiful
Her: you sound like you have an eating disorder
Me: (pause) and if i did
Her: it would make you stupid
Me: Then call me Ishmael
Her: What are you saying?
Me: (takes more to drink) i have to go to the bathroom...

screwed or not screwed?
you be the judge.

the day after

i am freaking.

i told someone last night about ana and mia.

my secret little friends.

mistake.

i was drunk and the room was spinning.

i could have told anyone anything at that point.

i think i may regret this...

heres to you!

perfect summer weather today

ate 900 calories and still feel like im harvesting a watermelon in my stomach.

i dont know what the hell im going to do in the summer

if i still look like this.

i dont know

i have been working out and eating under 1000 each day(exception of couple)

for about a month

and im not losing or gaining.

im still cubby and now where near what i should

maybe im not counting right

i feel gross

my legs touch as i walk

and that makes me want to throw up

maybe i should.

i don't know if this happens to all mias.

but when i get on a kick of throwing up a lot

i get little veins close to the corners of my eyes.

its because i put a lot of strain on my muscles and blood vessels

eh, its easy to cover up. :/

so, i think i have a new found crush.

but its different.

its actually a girl.

i don't know if this is just a bi-curious kind of thing

but to me, attraction is attraction.

whether that be to a boy of girl.

anyway, she is so beautiful

and she makes me laugh, and we mesh so well.

like puzzle pieces

but i wouldn't even know how to approach anyone i like.

plus i don't think she knows i like her, or girls for that matter.

I'm am a little confused about the matter.

and i don't see any reason why she would be attracted to me.

guess I'm just a downer.

maybe i have a new goal....

crushes always help inspire you to a better body.

gettin some green tea then write an essay. woho

heres to all the people who movitate us to better bodies!

two ana heads are better than one

i could use some help...

i spend all day from 9-6 with two girls at work
i work at a small-town health food store
we have food all around
and we all eat at work together
any ideas how to avoid this?
or any excuses i could use
(all the time)
its a health food store
so making up allergies and tolerences
been there done that
we have every option under the sun

i dread workdays.

p.s. thank you i will dance inbetween raindrops for your support!

broken record

yesterday would have been my last day on a juice fast.
buts lets face it.
this site should be called in mias hands.
no bingeing but the usually couldn't hack-it scheme.
i feel at this point immune to failure.
i expect it.
if only i could have a real-life ana buddy
i figure this is the same preception most anas have
on each of our shoulders we have mia and ana.
guiding us through the day.

i feel at this point that there is nothing else for me.
ed, is like the only path.
i try and try but i always end up lost.
to make it to the other side you follow the path, right?
i see people eat, normally(?) and they either are happy or stay thin
and i eat then i get fat
this i have come to except is life.
so i don't eat (much), and i maintain.

now what im going to say
anas will either agree or think im a waste.
that's fine. your opinions are yours.
and we can agree to disagree.
but to me
i hate my life
living by every meal
it controls me and everything i do
i mean i want more than anything to be thin
but sometimes i just have no will
i feel sometimes, maybe i am suppose to be that fat girl
then i think ARE YOU KIDDING!
its constant battle
and i get so tired of fighting myself
my erges and hunger.
some life i have.




[In my last blogs, i talked about drinking coffee as a splurge, i didn't mean it in the sense of calorie consumption but rather i was trying to cleanse myself from caffeine among other things.]

a first look

well im fasting tomorrow morning.
right on track
but i did slip up and have black coffee and smoked.
opps.

i took a good hard look at myself today,
and do you know what i saw?
nobody, a complete stranger
this time last year my legs stood miles apart
my cheek bones stood out,
i weighed 110 pounds

and i felt strong. real strong.
i feel like i dont even know this weakling in front of me.
who have i become?
its not just the weight though, its all around.
i feel like im slipping away.
towards the deep end.

i have to figure this shit out.
i have to pull myself forward and stop looking back.
it just makes me sick thinking of all my mistakes and missed oppurtunites.
all that time wasted on sulking and feeling bad,
thats thing didn't quite turn out how i wanted them too.

what a cry baby, if you ask me
im strong, i will be strong.
if not for me but for the people i love
because without self control
i would be six feet under by now...

feeling bland.

two o'clock and feeling like a human being.

not hungry and not full.

I'm trying to fix myself.

i focus on food and exercise at all times.

it consumes me.

i know i have a problem

but i know i wouldn't want to fix it.

i am staring at my fat thighs.

they touch as i sit here.

if there was only a gap between them, even when i sit.

i would feel some much more content with my life.

i know something stupid like that shouldn't matter to me

but i have raised being thin on a pedestal for so long

that it has become a goal i need to reach.

i would think that I'm a smart girl,

who shouldn't be so invested in her looks

but i think it passed looking good

a long time ago

i am more focused on being someone

being something i perceive as perfect and happy.

that is what i think holds me here.

keeps me with ana and mia.

my two new best friends.

that perception of happiness.

my arms are weak.

the past few days i have been living at the gym

toning and running

stretching and sprinting.

I'm sore, mentally and physically.

i regret to inform you all, I'm still a balloon.

i lost two pounds, still have fifteen to go.

by June.

yikes, i have my work cut out for me.

worst part about this cleanse: stop smoking

last dance

i feel like I'm always on a path to failure. every time i try and fix it its like I'm repeating the same moves as last time have i ever learned? will i ever? i repeat the same questions to myself every time and every time i leave a pound heavier and every time i want to start over, i have fewer expectations.
I'm so fucking disgusted with myself how have i got this big, how has it gone this far? i am out of options. its go the distance or eat yourself to death. i have to give up solid food. it has come to this, I'm disgusted with everything about my body. i hide under clothes i feel like the blob, the type that is in those horror pictures. i ooze with fat and blubber. rolls and cellulite.
i have been reading a lot about diets today, as i have be indulging in pizza. (Que the gasps) but i want to get this right. one week of elimination then a solid three weeks of no solids. there is a weight loss average of ten pounds. that's a good kick off start to my weight. its pretty gruesome but my weight now is 135. i know i know, I'm a mia who weighs 135. makes little sense, but that seems to be the theme these days.
anyway, i feel like this is my last option. my audience, though small is the only support i have. i will write to keep from binging. which happens to be my downfall
i have to exercise, to keep my energy up. five-six times a week, at least 500 calories each visit. i want to be 125, or hopefully less in a months time.
i really don't want this to be another failed mission. please cross fingers and support me. the diet is called Martha’s Vineyard Detox Diet. if anyone wants to join, the more the merrier. so to make this bittersweet message final. some thinspo would do....

well skinny loves.

I'm going on a fast for the next three days, maybe more if i can stand it.
but anyway, i only had an orange some pineapple and a granola bar today.
feeling pretty good.

i want that fast high you get without food for a couple of days.
i hope i can do it.
i am probably going to be on here for tips and help all three days.
i need to avoid foods temptations at every corner.

anybody have any fasting tips?
that would sure help.
will post later, have school right now.

new goals

today i had one protein shake, an orange, orange juice, and two cups of coffee.

that adds up to about 450 calories. so its under 500 which is excellent for a cubby girl like me!

so right now im going to yoga and walking my pooch.

then later tonight, im going to the gym to burn off my extra calories.

i signed up for this diet tribe online account,

and accoring to them i have lose two pounds each week to be at my goal.

urgh, i hope i can do it!

thats 500 calories a day burning about 600-800 a day.

wish me luck, im going to need it.

im also avoiding sweets and carbs

only veggies, fruit, and almond milk.

with the as much water as humanly possible.

im feeling a little hopeless but i really want this.

so im going to push myself to the edge!

im fat.

what else is new?

trick question

why do i buy chocolate if i know i'm going to binge on it?
fuck the inventor of chocolate bars...(damn Wonka)

unfold

there is resistance.

with my longing.

but I'm bursting through fabric.

and can't call ana

i know her number and

if you call Ana

she will appear

and help

all you need to do is

blackout

and let her take control
just blackout

and everything will be lighter

this skin

i have been on a strict Skins marathon.

i have been watching episodes from season one and two for the past two days.

a new favorite. Cassie and Effy.

(tons of thinspo!)

anyway i had off today and to get my mind off food

i cleaned

its pretty unappealing how dirty things get after a while.

spring cleaned everything from my bedroom to bathroom to kitchen to living/dogs room.

its spotless now and i wasted away my day.

how lovely.

i did have two or three pieces of soda bread

which i hacked up,

i feels better to feel light

food just seems to sit in my stomach these days.

i have been going running.

the past four days like clockwork.

and i started smoking again,

not a habit i am proud of but none the less it takes my mind off food.

i feel strange.

i always feel some sort of strange though.

right now i feel like my throat is kicking back.

i know i can never be that normal self i was born.

but i wish i could

clean slate, have the pure body everyones born with.

i should have wished it on my birthday cake

(didn't have a slice)

whats wrong with me?

elllo there.

seaweed salad for dinner/lunch

coffee/strawberries/greek yogurt for breakfast

im on a roll.

i feel like a roll

very fattening.

blah.

i did though get an am and a pm run in today

i hope tomorrow is better

i could use better

when i talk to my sister, it seems every

conversation in the world relates to her some how

i would start about how i was doing in work

and before i get the first verb out my mouth

she intrudes on my dialogue and talks about herself

i know its her wedding soon and its a load to think about

but is it to much trouble to have a conversation

that is about me?

im on the back burner

the less important pot.

most of the time i want to scream at her

but then we go one fighting for days on end

and then some how the argument gets turned back into my face

where i was the problem and i cause her grief,

go figure

i try and stay out of every ones way and

i seem to always be in there way.

i hate confrontation.

i rather let things slide

and avoid arguments

but i always find myself smack dab in them.

i have been taking up my time lately with studying for midterms

midterms that truely seem to undermind my illtelligence.

i feel like the questions are like:

What color is George Washington's white horse?

apparently we are suppose to be idiots.

but if i study and i keep occupied then i stay far from the kitchen.

which is what i need to do.

when i get home from school i set myself down in the kitchen.

big mistake

i think, i'll just have water

oh but there are some blueberries with my name on it

just blueberries, wont kill you

oh but that cool whip looks pretty lonely.

i bet it would be real good with some frozen bananas.

then bananas turns into peanut butter.

then peanut butter becomes lets make half a sandwich

half a sandwich, why not the whole thing!

oh you have done it now.

might as well eat everything, fatty. you cant avoid being fat.

munch munch munch, till the guilt is found within that last spoonful

of your third bowl on cereal.

BATHROOM BATHROOM, WHERE THE FUCK IS MY BATHROOM!!!

got to get rid of this shit.

quick, drink from the faucet. lots of water helps it come up.

then puke your brains out till you think you got it all.

but you know you didn't.

because you still feel full

want to be punched into the belly.

or shot in the head.

take it this did not happen today, which makes me feel better.

but its raining and it makes me wonder.

happy brithday to me(march 22)

today is my birthday

my weight is 126

and its a fresh start.

i will reach 110 by June

thats 16 pounds

i think everyday i will post my thinspo of the day

it will keep my balanced.

i vow not to binge in this time.

it will be hard.

but i owe it to myself to finally acquire some

self- confidence and acceptance.

i cant say it enough

i want to be thin.

but its not something thats just handed to people

its a mountain that must be climbed.

its difficult to write from the heart here.

i mean with my network being from anas themselves

i feel like its becomes more of a battle than a support group.

i think about how to say things to reach my audience.

but most of the time i come out saying pitiful things.

but i am what i am

im not going to type to an audience anymore.

this is more of a journal, like i said from the beginning.

i write for me.

but if you do find yourself involved in my blog.

i will think of you as my little anas on my shoulders

helping me along in my quest.

thanks to you who comment and lead me towards my mountain.

as for my day so far, its been dreadful.

not just the weather. i allowed myself a bowl of cereal and 1/2 a protein shake.

thats about it for today, im hitting the gym in a couple of hours

my goals for this new year

burn 600 or more each day

be more friendly and open

in turn find a true friend

work hard in school

lose weight, (mostly the weight of your bad attitude)

dont lose yourself in the process.

one day at a time.

food for your eyes

my ideal: