Tuesday, March 23, 2010

elllo there.

seaweed salad for dinner/lunch
coffee/strawberries/greek yogurt for breakfast

im on a roll.
i feel like a roll
very fattening.
i did though get an am and a pm run in today
i hope tomorrow is better
i could use better

when i talk to my sister, it seems every
conversation in the world relates to her some how
i would start about how i was doing in work
and before i get the first verb out my mouth
she intrudes on my dialogue and talks about herself
i know its her wedding soon and its a load to think about
but is it to much trouble to have a conversation
that is about me?
im on the back burner
the less important pot.
most of the time i want to scream at her
but then we go one fighting for days on end
and then some how the argument gets turned back into my face
where i was the problem and i cause her grief,
go figure
i try and stay out of every ones way and
i seem to always be in there way.

i hate confrontation.
i rather let things slide
and avoid arguments
but i always find myself smack dab in them.

i have been taking up my time lately with studying for midterms
midterms that truely seem to undermind my illtelligence.
i feel like the questions are like:
What color is George Washington's white horse?
apparently we are suppose to be idiots.
but if i study and i keep occupied then i stay far from the kitchen.
which is what i need to do.
when i get home from school i set myself down in the kitchen.
big mistake
i think, i'll just have water
oh but there are some blueberries with my name on it
just blueberries, wont kill you
oh but that cool whip looks pretty lonely.
i bet it would be real good with some frozen bananas.
then bananas turns into peanut butter.
then peanut butter becomes lets make half a sandwich
half a sandwich, why not the whole thing!
oh you have done it now.
might as well eat everything, fatty. you cant avoid being fat.
munch munch munch, till the guilt is found within that last spoonful
of your third bowl on cereal.
got to get rid of this shit.
quick, drink from the faucet. lots of water helps it come up.
then puke your brains out till you think you got it all.
but you know you didn't.
because you still feel full
want to be punched into the belly.
or shot in the head.
take it this did not happen today, which makes me feel better.
but its raining and it makes me wonder.

No comments:

the feeling is mutual.

for your ears only

Prefection Found

-I want to be so thin, light, airy, that when the light hits me, I don't leave a shadow behind.
-when I walk across the snow I will not leave so much as one footprint
-I can dance between the raindrops in a downpour.
-And you're my obsession. I love you too the bones.
-I want to be light enough so a helium balloon could lift me and carry me to the clouds.
-I want to be as light as a feather and tumble
-Let your bones define the beauty of your body.
-Empty is pure. Starving is pure.
-I can get thinner. I can cut it all off. I can wear low slung Levi's and crop tops and long straight dresses like willowy models, and I will grasp with the breathlessness of being airborne. I can fly and be free. I never realized how easy it was.
-Ana, my friend, my companion. -Starve my pain away. Make me beautiful. Make everything ok. Turn my problems into bones. Crush them up. Gather the remains. Blow away the dust.
-Anyone can have "inner beauty" but few can earn real beauty, inside as well as out.
-Thin has a taste all its own.
-Nothing tastes as good as thin feels.
-Don't suffer from anorexia and bulimia. Enjoy every minute of it!
-People will remember you as Beautiful
-You'll be able to run faster without all that extra weight dragging you down.
-You will be able to see your beautiful, beautiful bones.
-Only thin people are graceful.
-You'll be able to move as quietly and skillfully as a spider.
-It's not like beauty will make you especially interesting, but it will help people to get interested in your soul. -Within me lies a treasure hunt. When I lose I win.
-Lose everything and what is real will still remain.
-One day I will be thin enough. Just the bones, no disfiguring flesh. Just the pure clear shape of me, bones. That is what we all are, what we're made up of and everything else is just storage, deposit, waste. Strip it away, use it up.
-I've freed myself from this compulsion of eating. When I wake, I am empty, light-headed. I love to stay this way, free and pure, light on my feet, traveling as a feather.
-We turn skeletons into goddesses and look to them as if they might teach us how not to need. -Junk food is cheap but thin is priceless.
-Blessed are the starving, for they shall teach us not to want.
-Let me be empty and weightless and maybe I'll find peace tonight.

que evil music

goal measurements:
upper arm-8.5

my measurements(may24):

red=met goal