Thursday, April 29, 2010

broken record


yesterday would have been my last day on a juice fast.
buts lets face it.
this site should be called in mias hands.
no bingeing but the usually couldn't hack-it scheme.
i feel at this point immune to failure.
i expect it.
if only i could have a real-life ana buddy
i figure this is the same preception most anas have
on each of our shoulders we have mia and ana.
guiding us through the day.

i feel at this point that there is nothing else for me.
ed, is like the only path.
i try and try but i always end up lost.
to make it to the other side you follow the path, right?
i see people eat, normally(?) and they either are happy or stay thin
and i eat then i get fat
this i have come to except is life.
so i don't eat (much), and i maintain.

now what im going to say
anas will either agree or think im a waste.
that's fine. your opinions are yours.
and we can agree to disagree.
but to me
i hate my life
living by every meal
it controls me and everything i do
i mean i want more than anything to be thin
but sometimes i just have no will
i feel sometimes, maybe i am suppose to be that fat girl
then i think ARE YOU KIDDING!
its constant battle
and i get so tired of fighting myself
my erges and hunger.
some life i have.




[In my last blogs, i talked about drinking coffee as a splurge, i didn't mean it in the sense of calorie consumption but rather i was trying to cleanse myself from caffeine among other things.]

1 comment:

anna.maria said...

I so love the first girl in the photoss!!!

the feeling is mutual.

for your ears only

Prefection Found

-I want to be so thin, light, airy, that when the light hits me, I don't leave a shadow behind.
-when I walk across the snow I will not leave so much as one footprint
-I can dance between the raindrops in a downpour.
-And you're my obsession. I love you too the bones.
-I want to be light enough so a helium balloon could lift me and carry me to the clouds.
-I want to be as light as a feather and tumble
-Let your bones define the beauty of your body.
-Empty is pure. Starving is pure.
-I can get thinner. I can cut it all off. I can wear low slung Levi's and crop tops and long straight dresses like willowy models, and I will grasp with the breathlessness of being airborne. I can fly and be free. I never realized how easy it was.
-Ana, my friend, my companion. -Starve my pain away. Make me beautiful. Make everything ok. Turn my problems into bones. Crush them up. Gather the remains. Blow away the dust.
-Anyone can have "inner beauty" but few can earn real beauty, inside as well as out.
-Thin has a taste all its own.
-Nothing tastes as good as thin feels.
-Don't suffer from anorexia and bulimia. Enjoy every minute of it!
-People will remember you as Beautiful
-You'll be able to run faster without all that extra weight dragging you down.
-You will be able to see your beautiful, beautiful bones.
-Only thin people are graceful.
-You'll be able to move as quietly and skillfully as a spider.
-It's not like beauty will make you especially interesting, but it will help people to get interested in your soul. -Within me lies a treasure hunt. When I lose I win.
-Lose everything and what is real will still remain.
-One day I will be thin enough. Just the bones, no disfiguring flesh. Just the pure clear shape of me, bones. That is what we all are, what we're made up of and everything else is just storage, deposit, waste. Strip it away, use it up.
-I've freed myself from this compulsion of eating. When I wake, I am empty, light-headed. I love to stay this way, free and pure, light on my feet, traveling as a feather.
-We turn skeletons into goddesses and look to them as if they might teach us how not to need. -Junk food is cheap but thin is priceless.
-Blessed are the starving, for they shall teach us not to want.
-Let me be empty and weightless and maybe I'll find peace tonight.

que evil music

goal measurements:
upper arm-8.5
forearm-8
wrist-5.5
bust-30
waist-25
ribcage-27
hips-33
thigh-16.5
calf-13

my measurements(may24):
upperarm-11
forearm-9
wrist-5.8
bust-32.5
ribcage-28.5
waist-26.5
hips-38.5
thigh-22
calf-14

red=met goal