Sunday, January 31, 2010

day 1- weighed down

so day one summed up in one word would have to be hungry.

for me, fasts have cycles. the first two days are the hardest.
i feel hungry and often distracted.
but after two the third is filled with energy.
its like your body is thanking you for giving it time to breath.

preoccupying my time is the only tricky part, today is my day off
from everything and i have been doing all the little things i have
put off forever.

like dusting and vacuuming. not to mention hemming jeans and ripped
sweater i keep in a pile. lets see...i also alphabetized my book collection and dvds.
I took my dog on a hour walk.
It seems as though I have too much time on my hands.
but my body have been relaying on only aloe vera juice and detox teas.

on my walk i did get to have a heartfelt talk with my brother.
we did a basic walk around memories growing up and remembering
the "good old times", when we didn't know what jackasses are parents were.
but one thing that he said made me feel much better
"what you see depends on what you're looking for"
i dont know how this relates to an ana blog, but to me it just
expresses the power of human nature and how we set a goal and
do anything in our power to achieve it.
so in other words, it might not sound so far fetch.

[another side note, its amazing how people mature right before your eyes]

i plan to spend the remainder of my day laying in bedand listening to sufjan stevens
and running to the bathroom at every chance.

bye bye anas

Friday, January 29, 2010

feeling good.

well so far today i had one orange and its 12:30.

today I have decided for my body that I am only going to eat

raw fruits and vegetables.

to prepare my body for the six-seven day fast ahead of me.

this will ease my body into it and not lead to a shock to my metabolism.

i read this somewhere and i hope it proves useful.

anyway, my brother is in town, he lives upstate with my mother and their Yorkie.

he has been doing quite a number and eating all our junk food!

this is very exciting. nothing to be tempted with.

bonus round: i also get to cook which i love, just not the eating part.

i don't think i disclosed that i don't have a boyfriend.

and don't want one right now, as a matter of fact.

I'm quite content with just being independent and alone.

[i don't think you caught the sarcasm.]

But i really do think the prefect word to describe me right now is content.

not happy, but satisfied.

my sisters wedding is in June and when i was measured for my dress i was a size 2.

i tired on the dress in November and it fit, but a little more snug than i would like.

So My goal is to at least be a little under a size 2, so that the dress needs to be taken in.

its positively awful. Its a puke green and a mermaid which looks dreadful on my body.

it looks as if i was bond in my dress and then someone added rouging.

Please HELP!. what makes the bride think she can dress down her bridal party, to look

like chums. because that is what i look like, fish bait.


any good tips to keeping yourself distracted?

okay anas,

see ya'll later!

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

learning to crawl.

this is what happens to me: i eating only raw veggies and fruit all day. at night my sweet tooth caves and i eat something bad. usually a couple of cookies or a spoonful of peanut butter or otherwise (most likely) everything in sight. so then i throw it up! ( oh mia, why do you have such a control over me) i decided that if im going to a good mia i start with a fast. i fast usually for one to two days. then it ends with me acting like a fat man at an all you can eat buffet. its pretty discusting. none the less the cycle continues until i have breakdowns. my issue is i never stay on track. i get lost in my calorie counting lists and plans to lose weight. they are all over my room. overwhelming me of the countless failures i have been though. i tossed them all. i need a fresh start. a honest, positive, and gradual start.
so i have decided that my brand new plan is to go through the day
eating only what i can hold in my hand, small portion.
i eat breakfast like a 100-300 calorie meal.
i drink water before each meal and after to insure fullness.
i have a green drink for lunch.
and have veggies and fruit the remainder of the day.

when that sweet tooth kicks in, because i know it will
i will have my LARGE cup of chai tea with a little rice milk.

for excerise, this is actually sad.
i used to when i was 110 pounds, run 5-6 miles each morning,
now i can barely run around a mile and need to catch a breath.
i have been smoking, but i think im just way out of shape.
you must learn to crawl before you can walk.
im going to do basic yoga/pilates
walking for an hour at a time, doing sprints occasionally.

i just want to know what im doing to correct and actually going to prove
effects. who knows though right.

water with lemon-5
a mini bagel- 180
a banana -120
green drink- 120
small soup-120
chai tea-0

Monday, January 25, 2010

open arms

seems like i haven't been on this thing in ages...
okay, its time i be honest with you and myself:
i was scared, there i said it.
i have to admit that being ana is alot more than what i expected.
I think my big blow out happened after i lost my ana-texting friend.
She gave me that boost of assurance and support that i needed. But
she left and with her left my hope for prefection.
Out of fear and corwardness i left ana, left her in the cold. Went to a place where i hid behind
lies and more self doubt then i assumed. I figured that i would never be who i wanted to be
and that i would hid in shame from my still lingering ana persona. Its really hard to express
and admit what a coward i have been. From the moments i left this blog i still think i realized
how much ana has changed my mentality.
As hard as it was i just have to work just as hard now, i need ana back as much as i need the air i breathe. I just have to welcome her with open arms and hope for the same reaction in return.
i hear she is forgiving, but will she ever forgive me?

its about time i start thinking realistic, i have dreams of being comfrontable in my own skin. Eating a what society percieved as normal never helped me embody this dream.

i have discussed that even without a supportive buddy i can still ahieve this dream
i have my own two feet, i have to rely on myself.

the feeling is mutual.

for your ears only

Prefection Found

-I want to be so thin, light, airy, that when the light hits me, I don't leave a shadow behind.
-when I walk across the snow I will not leave so much as one footprint
-I can dance between the raindrops in a downpour.
-And you're my obsession. I love you too the bones.
-I want to be light enough so a helium balloon could lift me and carry me to the clouds.
-I want to be as light as a feather and tumble
-Let your bones define the beauty of your body.
-Empty is pure. Starving is pure.
-I can get thinner. I can cut it all off. I can wear low slung Levi's and crop tops and long straight dresses like willowy models, and I will grasp with the breathlessness of being airborne. I can fly and be free. I never realized how easy it was.
-Ana, my friend, my companion. -Starve my pain away. Make me beautiful. Make everything ok. Turn my problems into bones. Crush them up. Gather the remains. Blow away the dust.
-Anyone can have "inner beauty" but few can earn real beauty, inside as well as out.
-Thin has a taste all its own.
-Nothing tastes as good as thin feels.
-Don't suffer from anorexia and bulimia. Enjoy every minute of it!
-People will remember you as Beautiful
-You'll be able to run faster without all that extra weight dragging you down.
-You will be able to see your beautiful, beautiful bones.
-Only thin people are graceful.
-You'll be able to move as quietly and skillfully as a spider.
-It's not like beauty will make you especially interesting, but it will help people to get interested in your soul. -Within me lies a treasure hunt. When I lose I win.
-Lose everything and what is real will still remain.
-One day I will be thin enough. Just the bones, no disfiguring flesh. Just the pure clear shape of me, bones. That is what we all are, what we're made up of and everything else is just storage, deposit, waste. Strip it away, use it up.
-I've freed myself from this compulsion of eating. When I wake, I am empty, light-headed. I love to stay this way, free and pure, light on my feet, traveling as a feather.
-We turn skeletons into goddesses and look to them as if they might teach us how not to need. -Junk food is cheap but thin is priceless.
-Blessed are the starving, for they shall teach us not to want.
-Let me be empty and weightless and maybe I'll find peace tonight.

que evil music

goal measurements:
upper arm-8.5

my measurements(may24):

red=met goal