Thursday, March 25, 2010

this skin



i have been on a strict Skins marathon.
i have been watching episodes from season one and two for the past two days.
a new favorite. Cassie and Effy.
(tons of thinspo!)


anyway i had off today and to get my mind off food
i cleaned
its pretty unappealing how dirty things get after a while.
spring cleaned everything from my bedroom to bathroom to kitchen to living/dogs room.
its spotless now and i wasted away my day.
how lovely.
i did have two or three pieces of soda bread
which i hacked up,
i feels better to feel light
food just seems to sit in my stomach these days.

i have been going running.
the past four days like clockwork.
and i started smoking again,
not a habit i am proud of but none the less it takes my mind off food.

i feel strange.
i always feel some sort of strange though.
right now i feel like my throat is kicking back.
i know i can never be that normal self i was born.
but i wish i could
clean slate, have the pure body everyones born with.
i should have wished it on my birthday cake
(didn't have a slice)

whats wrong with me?

1 comment:

distortedperception said...

You should've had a slice of your cake:( Even though it's so fattening atleast your birthday wouldn't have been tainted by Ana. However,I am very proud of you nonetheless! Keep going strong girl!:)

xoxo distortedperception.

the feeling is mutual.

for your ears only

Prefection Found

-I want to be so thin, light, airy, that when the light hits me, I don't leave a shadow behind.
-when I walk across the snow I will not leave so much as one footprint
-I can dance between the raindrops in a downpour.
-And you're my obsession. I love you too the bones.
-I want to be light enough so a helium balloon could lift me and carry me to the clouds.
-I want to be as light as a feather and tumble
-Let your bones define the beauty of your body.
-Empty is pure. Starving is pure.
-I can get thinner. I can cut it all off. I can wear low slung Levi's and crop tops and long straight dresses like willowy models, and I will grasp with the breathlessness of being airborne. I can fly and be free. I never realized how easy it was.
-Ana, my friend, my companion. -Starve my pain away. Make me beautiful. Make everything ok. Turn my problems into bones. Crush them up. Gather the remains. Blow away the dust.
-Anyone can have "inner beauty" but few can earn real beauty, inside as well as out.
-Thin has a taste all its own.
-Nothing tastes as good as thin feels.
-Don't suffer from anorexia and bulimia. Enjoy every minute of it!
-People will remember you as Beautiful
-You'll be able to run faster without all that extra weight dragging you down.
-You will be able to see your beautiful, beautiful bones.
-Only thin people are graceful.
-You'll be able to move as quietly and skillfully as a spider.
-It's not like beauty will make you especially interesting, but it will help people to get interested in your soul. -Within me lies a treasure hunt. When I lose I win.
-Lose everything and what is real will still remain.
-One day I will be thin enough. Just the bones, no disfiguring flesh. Just the pure clear shape of me, bones. That is what we all are, what we're made up of and everything else is just storage, deposit, waste. Strip it away, use it up.
-I've freed myself from this compulsion of eating. When I wake, I am empty, light-headed. I love to stay this way, free and pure, light on my feet, traveling as a feather.
-We turn skeletons into goddesses and look to them as if they might teach us how not to need. -Junk food is cheap but thin is priceless.
-Blessed are the starving, for they shall teach us not to want.
-Let me be empty and weightless and maybe I'll find peace tonight.

que evil music

goal measurements:
upper arm-8.5
forearm-8
wrist-5.5
bust-30
waist-25
ribcage-27
hips-33
thigh-16.5
calf-13

my measurements(may24):
upperarm-11
forearm-9
wrist-5.8
bust-32.5
ribcage-28.5
waist-26.5
hips-38.5
thigh-22
calf-14

red=met goal