Monday, November 30, 2009

im currently 120.
ideally want to be 105.
trying to lose in 5 pound intervals.
like to reach this weight by the beginning of the new year.!
cross your fingers for me.

if being skinny were easy,everyone would be it

i was more reserved than usually on thanksgiving and i didn't dissappoint myself
to the point of punishment. i was naughty when i came to dessert though so went
on a half hour walk to reverse the effects. i have been depressingly bad though
since i have come home, with all the take home desserts and leftovers!
shoot me in the stomach please.
i sometimes feel stronger that i dont have the stomach or strong enough will to be ana
that i once did and think maybe i dont derserve to look like ana.
but what kind of atittude is that.!
insprational quotes & music have helped greatly pulling me out of my slump.
i have been searching the web for all types of great hunger stopppers, and my favorites are

cold showers, hot berveages
when alone, laugh at food giving you the upper hand
counting tricks
walking around the block, yoga streches
drink water till you have to pee. (not literally)

to reconcile with my good behavoir i have decided i will partake in a water/juice fast for four days, starting TUESDAY!

vegetable juice (from a juicer);containing-kale,celery, swiss chard,carrot,lemon,cabbage
water with lemon
fruit smootie
water with lemon
fruit smootie
vegetable juice
vegetable broth

WHEN HUNGER MUST GO TO LIQUIDS ONLY; milk, diluted juice, & vegtable broth

Friday will be the toughest day, me being at work(work at a healthfood store with a deli and everyone eats and asks one another what they have eaten, it proves to be very tricky).

so whose in?

oatmeal: 140cal
with 1/2 a banana: 60cal
coffee: 10cal
soy milk:60
1/2 peanut butter & jam sandwich: 160cal
diet coke: 0 cals
4tbsp red pepper hummus: 120cal
celery sticks: 15cal
hundred calorie brownie: 100cal

jog: 30 mins

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

It's the Mind that Makes the Body

i am convinced that i have been asking for trouble since i accepted the invitation to cook dinner (except the bird, of course) for thanksgiving! i swear i am staring a binge in the face and i will end up with my head in a toilet tomorrow night!
i have been searching up a storm looking for anyway to deceive my mom i ate during dinner.

i think the worst part about visiting my mom is she literally weighs 90 pounds! its like seeing her is a realization of what i heifer i really am! and she never eats either, its like she is the ana i always want to be minus the crazy.
stress always leads my over the edge, being with my mom always leads to stress...future solution, don't see my mother? doesn't seem probable.

i have been on top of being a disgusting pig these past days i have also been starting this smoking train, but i will not get hooked and end up having winkles like my mother.

i was thinking about this earlier:
you start out ana having this incredible strong will against food and not eating, but every time you eat it becomes a battle with food, eventually you your will weakens like forces in combat. you must not lose the war but food just continues to over power all your moves and strategies of war. Losing a battle here and there is not always mean you lose in the overall war. My war is won when I'm 105 pounds and loving my body.
i can't let food win.

blueberry scone: 210
orange juice:120
soy milk-90
spoonful of peanut butter-90


not one of my best days, i am going to plan a fast after thanksgiving, when i get back to my normal routine. wish me luck for Thanksgiving and i hope the same for you!
who wants to look like a fat pilgrims anyway?... :)


Monday, November 23, 2009

close encounters of the sister kind.

today was an errand-filled day, which means mind off food for a change. but the down fall is that i do not get to workout to break even. Making a promise to myself that before i do some yoga. I was with my older sister all morning, she is always a little bit suspicious if i don't eat which is because of her two months ago she finding some lax in my sock draw. She then attempted to have a stern talk with me about how immature i was being. Now i have to make it a point that we go to get something to eat i make sure she sees me having my meal of the day; my large coffee and protein bar.

Reminder to self: always eat while someones watching, leads away suspicions.

my faults when it comes to eating is being home. knowing my family has every trouble food under the sun leads me down the path of no return!. so when im out i try to stay out and about for as long as i can. my grandmother is the only one who assumes i don't eat but she isn't taken seriously.
i haven't been able to sleep in a while and every other hour i usually end up waking up, which leads me through the day dragging on in a half conscious state. not good a combination with driving.

larabar: 190 cal
large coffee: 10 cal
orange: 70 cal
1/2 apple: 50cal
apple cider: 120cal

yoga (45min)

I just thought of when i was little girlie it never mattered what i ate, that calories never existed.
now i think, who the hell was she? I actually remember the day when i was struck hard with the calorie stick. My sister's friend was home and i was eating something that back then seemed like a typical lunch, grilled cheese with bacon and her friend was staring at me and said "if you dont watch what you eat you will be fat and ugly" Repeating it makes it sound like a teen drama series, where then i end up pinching my fat ass in a mirror. But it played out alot like that i hate to say. i have been on and off really into weight but right now im at a dead end.
turning back around and limiting eating seems much like my only option.

more news tomorrow!,

Sunday, November 22, 2009

The beginning of a beautiful friendship.

The name is Coraline.
I have been a vegetarian/dairy free for two years and mia on and off since 8th grade. I have made a decision to become ana only a few hours ago, ( i know i know easy to say when you just binged and have a discustingly full stomach) but i am serious! i have put it off for too long and have only ruined my body in the process.
I have made the desicion that the only way to seriously rid myself of these ugly pounds is to make a commitment and write to strangers about my daily progress and faults. i could only hope that i recieve support and thinspirational stories and people who disagree keep their opinions to themselves.

i really need this change, i believe it is the only way i can take back control of my life.

cereal: 140 cal
1tsp honey: 60 cal
coffee:10 cal


(where it all went wrong,

7 mini chocolate chip
1cup vanilla frozen
1tsp peanut butter:80cals

walked my dog (45min)

with more hope tomorrow,

the feeling is mutual.

for your ears only

Prefection Found

-I want to be so thin, light, airy, that when the light hits me, I don't leave a shadow behind.
-when I walk across the snow I will not leave so much as one footprint
-I can dance between the raindrops in a downpour.
-And you're my obsession. I love you too the bones.
-I want to be light enough so a helium balloon could lift me and carry me to the clouds.
-I want to be as light as a feather and tumble
-Let your bones define the beauty of your body.
-Empty is pure. Starving is pure.
-I can get thinner. I can cut it all off. I can wear low slung Levi's and crop tops and long straight dresses like willowy models, and I will grasp with the breathlessness of being airborne. I can fly and be free. I never realized how easy it was.
-Ana, my friend, my companion. -Starve my pain away. Make me beautiful. Make everything ok. Turn my problems into bones. Crush them up. Gather the remains. Blow away the dust.
-Anyone can have "inner beauty" but few can earn real beauty, inside as well as out.
-Thin has a taste all its own.
-Nothing tastes as good as thin feels.
-Don't suffer from anorexia and bulimia. Enjoy every minute of it!
-People will remember you as Beautiful
-You'll be able to run faster without all that extra weight dragging you down.
-You will be able to see your beautiful, beautiful bones.
-Only thin people are graceful.
-You'll be able to move as quietly and skillfully as a spider.
-It's not like beauty will make you especially interesting, but it will help people to get interested in your soul. -Within me lies a treasure hunt. When I lose I win.
-Lose everything and what is real will still remain.
-One day I will be thin enough. Just the bones, no disfiguring flesh. Just the pure clear shape of me, bones. That is what we all are, what we're made up of and everything else is just storage, deposit, waste. Strip it away, use it up.
-I've freed myself from this compulsion of eating. When I wake, I am empty, light-headed. I love to stay this way, free and pure, light on my feet, traveling as a feather.
-We turn skeletons into goddesses and look to them as if they might teach us how not to need. -Junk food is cheap but thin is priceless.
-Blessed are the starving, for they shall teach us not to want.
-Let me be empty and weightless and maybe I'll find peace tonight.

que evil music

goal measurements:
upper arm-8.5

my measurements(may24):

red=met goal