Monday, February 22, 2010


paranoia has gotten the best of my these past few days.
i am convinced that my family has or is going to discover my journal

even now i am leaned over my laptop in the library.
i am going to lay low for the next couples of days.

do not take my absents as a sign of weakness or as another meltdown.
i will stay true to ana as she has been to me.

im sorry to the people who actually bore themselves with reading my blog.
i will be back, better then ever.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

thanks for the snow

thanks the gods, school is cancelled.
can you say "The Office" Marathon and pjs all day?
i haven't bummed around in a long time.
the snow is so peaceful.
i mean before the noisy snow blowers come on and nobody has walked on it.
when i was a kid my favorite thing to do in the snow was walk on it
trying not to make an impression on the snow.
keeping it as though i was never there.
that takes true lightness. something i wish i had to this day.
something i will achieve in the coming months.

im being a good ana girl lately. and fixing myself up.
took me awhile but i wrote out a exercise/food schedule for the next month.
its bases on a couple of magazine clippings.
mostly i based their snack as my meals.
hope it turns out good. need to shed this chubs.

i was actually thinking of a memory i had a couple of years ago.
my friend and me were out to lunch and i order a salad or something
like that and my friend order this Double bacon onion ring burger concoction
i told her that in my head i thought that just smelling like something like
that added fat onto your body, she told me that was an ana mentality.
it funny now because even back when i was thinking this way.
i didn't know there was anything wrong with that.
there isn't right, everyone is different.
i just happened to be very conscious about food.

I was reading a friendly blogger's page ( Anastasia Kirstyn) and decided out of shear boredom,
im going to play"What's in your bag?"!!
being that im a tom-boy at heart i don't carry much of a purse just a tan leather backpack
the boring stuff is mostly:
  • four textbooks.
  • two notebook with erratic notes all over the place.
  • a red binded day planner that holds my life. (appts/homework/schedules)
  • my ana journal (pictures/diary entries/quotes/all that good stuff)
  • a tin full of laxs and vitamins
  • pack of Newports and a green lighter. (green suppresses appetite)
  • green wallet (money,id, library card, school id, family pictures)
  • hemp lip blam
  • pens and colored pencils.
  • a cell phone, sometimes.
  • my wrist watch!!
  • reading glasses.
  • last but not least, a pair of gloves.

so exciting, im just happy im not going anywhere tomorrow.

hope you anas are as lucky as me, stay strong beautiful ladies.

Monday, February 8, 2010

did not realise i spelled misspelled Perfection, only human.
why dont you enjoy some thinspo (plus i changed my playlist to ana friendly):

half the day is gone and i have eaten all the calories i have given myself
except that last glass of chocolate milk tonight! thats a treat.
i need to rid myself of my peanut butter craving. any suggestions?
i went for a run today and got struck with the cold wind in the north east.
figures the first day i start and it bites me in the ass.
yesterday, actually more like this weekend i become a complete downer.

im figure out how to artifically cheer myself up untill i lose a few pounds.
it i keep my diet under control than i think my weight will return to normal
then i really start dieting.
which is what i need.
as soon as i hit back down to 117, im going to start a clean, (no chocolate milk) fast.

it seems that the only thing i look forward to these days is when i fast and lose weight.
im going to put together a shitload of thinspo tonight
from books, music, pictures, and excerise routines.
i will post what i got and maybe it will brighten my week up.

i didn't want to post my discusting weight on but maybe it will spark my goal to lose it.
height: 5'2"
when the fast begins

alot of goals but i have to be realistic and not shut my metabolism down.
i have given myself about 16 weeks to be 107, thats by June 4, Friday.
if anyone has similar stats and whats to chat let me know.
get back to you soon!

Sunday, February 7, 2010

pizza is not my friend.

today i went the whole day thinking about the frozen pizza in my fridge.

it went from a thought to an obession.

i ate it, i can hear the dissappointing grunts from those of you reading this.

i am myself three times more dissppointed.

iwant to be able to fell better, say to myself:

NO dont do this again you will have a new day tomorrow

eat nothing and feel free from food.

but when that belly is empty and you only focus on the passing vending machines

and the contents of your fridge, you continue to set yourself up for failure.

i know i can be a great ana, i feel it.

i just need to find the wood to start the fire.

its just feeling like my mission is hopeless.
i would love some support, because lately i have been in my head.

tomorrow is usually food shopping day
which consists of:
lara bars
carrot juice
rice milk
rice milk juice boxes (im a child)
low calorie canned soup
one hundred calorie popcorn packs
low calorie crackers
almond butter ( i have a peanut butter craving about every hour, almond butter has less calories and about the same nut butter taste)
sugar free gum
seltzer water( the bubbles fill my tummy)
ginger chews

lately it hasn't been that good, i sneak chocolate in the cart.
but tomorrow no chocolate

i want to become the envy of my past self.

anyway right now im watching Americas Next Top Model, wishing i was them.

so im going to continue my unfortunate life, any other ideas?

Thursday, February 4, 2010

day four- the breakdown

okay i gave myself a "clean" break,
really my stomach is just freaking me out, its making noises and pains i haven't ever had.
plus i got a stroke of confidence when i went to the health food store.
i was checking out and someone asked me what i do to stay so small.
i told them its natural, (i wish, really i throw up after each meal and fast for days)
what a lair.
im going to ease myself on fruit tonight.
i feel like a mess. all i want is a heavenly piece of chocolate. i dont care what kind.
but this is just a craving. please oh please dont give into the craving!

its early, but my day has been alright.
i was reading a few ana blogs this morning and i was becoming chocked up.
to be honest its a shame we go through all this bullshit, but its worth it...right?

it has to be, i need to be thin.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

day three- (forget to publish)

its day four and i think since what has happened to me over the past four days im in awe that im still in one piece.
let me start off with i think I'm cheating myself with this "juice fast".
i tend to drink really low chocolate soy milk. i actually night binge on it.
this to me is just as bad because this cleansing experience is not what i make it out to be.

so what happened to me over the past few days was,
day two went fine but it was this day i discovered the unlimited flavors of the chocolate soy milk.
binged all night on that.
then on day three i had a melt down in the super market with my sister.
she was practically making a scene in the cereal lane of the market.
she was concerned because all she sees me do is "drink tea" (which has only been for the past two days)
and the cereal she picked out for me i put back because i said "i didn't like it anymore"
it felt as though everyone was staring at me.
i put the cereal in the cart and when we got home i emptied it out in the garbage.
i know i would have most defffinetly binged on the cereal in the next hour or so.
so today im trying to recop and stay strong. actually thinking about it my day didn't start so well either.
i had a protien shake before school, but I insist i will visit the gym before this day is over to rid myself of the calorie burden.

ideal body for me :
i want my thighs to be miles apart, never touching unless they were crossed.
my ass should be small and tight, being the template of prefect curves.
my upper arms should be all muscle, never wobbling with swift movements.
my stomach shouold be flat and even when i lean over i don't want it to hang over my jeans.
i want a very striking face with high cheek bones and very visible collar bones.
bodies are the projection of the soul.

i want mine to be delicate.

the feeling is mutual.

for your ears only

Prefection Found

-I want to be so thin, light, airy, that when the light hits me, I don't leave a shadow behind.
-when I walk across the snow I will not leave so much as one footprint
-I can dance between the raindrops in a downpour.
-And you're my obsession. I love you too the bones.
-I want to be light enough so a helium balloon could lift me and carry me to the clouds.
-I want to be as light as a feather and tumble
-Let your bones define the beauty of your body.
-Empty is pure. Starving is pure.
-I can get thinner. I can cut it all off. I can wear low slung Levi's and crop tops and long straight dresses like willowy models, and I will grasp with the breathlessness of being airborne. I can fly and be free. I never realized how easy it was.
-Ana, my friend, my companion. -Starve my pain away. Make me beautiful. Make everything ok. Turn my problems into bones. Crush them up. Gather the remains. Blow away the dust.
-Anyone can have "inner beauty" but few can earn real beauty, inside as well as out.
-Thin has a taste all its own.
-Nothing tastes as good as thin feels.
-Don't suffer from anorexia and bulimia. Enjoy every minute of it!
-People will remember you as Beautiful
-You'll be able to run faster without all that extra weight dragging you down.
-You will be able to see your beautiful, beautiful bones.
-Only thin people are graceful.
-You'll be able to move as quietly and skillfully as a spider.
-It's not like beauty will make you especially interesting, but it will help people to get interested in your soul. -Within me lies a treasure hunt. When I lose I win.
-Lose everything and what is real will still remain.
-One day I will be thin enough. Just the bones, no disfiguring flesh. Just the pure clear shape of me, bones. That is what we all are, what we're made up of and everything else is just storage, deposit, waste. Strip it away, use it up.
-I've freed myself from this compulsion of eating. When I wake, I am empty, light-headed. I love to stay this way, free and pure, light on my feet, traveling as a feather.
-We turn skeletons into goddesses and look to them as if they might teach us how not to need. -Junk food is cheap but thin is priceless.
-Blessed are the starving, for they shall teach us not to want.
-Let me be empty and weightless and maybe I'll find peace tonight.

que evil music

goal measurements:
upper arm-8.5

my measurements(may24):

red=met goal