Sunday, May 16, 2010

who am i, where did i come from. how can i get back?

got my period this weekend. and my stomach must pay for the pain my uterus is giving me!
it was shopping day and i didn't go with my family, they of course only like to buy off-limits foods like ice cream, cookies, chips, things that could really get me into trouble, (when i go with them, while they are not looking i take the those types of food out of the cart)
but i didn't go and i must have had to rows of fudge cookies and three glasses of whole milk.
why not just cut open my thigh open and manually stuff fat in?
so food wise i sucked, i also had a bad weekend with this one girl i like. F.
but now I'm having mixed feelings, her best friend i hate and when they are together they act like one. this is a turn off, she is nasty and aggressive with everything.
i changed my room around got rid of my bed, have a futon now. great for all the company i will never have over. i know my period is making me a Debbie downer but i am feeling quite alone these days. i only have one friend and siblings. i ran away from old friends and never bothered to make new. now i don't talk to people and am in turn very shy. i also am paranoid and that makes it incredibly hard to have a normal conversation.
sometimes i cry really hard because i don't have anyone to talk to. and i look in my phone at the only four numbers i call, three are blood relatives and one is my work number. i feel so pathetic and isolated from the world. i don't have a facebook and Ana is the only thing i stay in touch with. this is a serious problem for me. i have never experienced loneliness then these moments in my life. i need to feel happy, in control of me. control will help me be more presentable, more lovable, more open. Ana helps me through that door. otherwise I'm stuck on the other side of the door. looking through the crack on the bottom of the door, listening to the noises, laughter, following the shadows of the people in a happy world. one i dream to always be apart of. who am i, where did i come from. how can i get back?

2 comments:

Cammie said...

Don't worry, Coraline.. If you're feeling out of touch with the world, you know that everyone on here will always be here for you.

Anonymous said...

Just want to say what a great blog you got here!
I've been around for quite a lot of time, but finally decided to show my appreciation of your work!

Thumbs up, and keep it going!

Cheers
Christian, iwspo.net

the feeling is mutual.

for your ears only

Prefection Found

-I want to be so thin, light, airy, that when the light hits me, I don't leave a shadow behind.
-when I walk across the snow I will not leave so much as one footprint
-I can dance between the raindrops in a downpour.
-And you're my obsession. I love you too the bones.
-I want to be light enough so a helium balloon could lift me and carry me to the clouds.
-I want to be as light as a feather and tumble
-Let your bones define the beauty of your body.
-Empty is pure. Starving is pure.
-I can get thinner. I can cut it all off. I can wear low slung Levi's and crop tops and long straight dresses like willowy models, and I will grasp with the breathlessness of being airborne. I can fly and be free. I never realized how easy it was.
-Ana, my friend, my companion. -Starve my pain away. Make me beautiful. Make everything ok. Turn my problems into bones. Crush them up. Gather the remains. Blow away the dust.
-Anyone can have "inner beauty" but few can earn real beauty, inside as well as out.
-Thin has a taste all its own.
-Nothing tastes as good as thin feels.
-Don't suffer from anorexia and bulimia. Enjoy every minute of it!
-People will remember you as Beautiful
-You'll be able to run faster without all that extra weight dragging you down.
-You will be able to see your beautiful, beautiful bones.
-Only thin people are graceful.
-You'll be able to move as quietly and skillfully as a spider.
-It's not like beauty will make you especially interesting, but it will help people to get interested in your soul. -Within me lies a treasure hunt. When I lose I win.
-Lose everything and what is real will still remain.
-One day I will be thin enough. Just the bones, no disfiguring flesh. Just the pure clear shape of me, bones. That is what we all are, what we're made up of and everything else is just storage, deposit, waste. Strip it away, use it up.
-I've freed myself from this compulsion of eating. When I wake, I am empty, light-headed. I love to stay this way, free and pure, light on my feet, traveling as a feather.
-We turn skeletons into goddesses and look to them as if they might teach us how not to need. -Junk food is cheap but thin is priceless.
-Blessed are the starving, for they shall teach us not to want.
-Let me be empty and weightless and maybe I'll find peace tonight.

que evil music

goal measurements:
upper arm-8.5
forearm-8
wrist-5.5
bust-30
waist-25
ribcage-27
hips-33
thigh-16.5
calf-13

my measurements(may24):
upperarm-11
forearm-9
wrist-5.8
bust-32.5
ribcage-28.5
waist-26.5
hips-38.5
thigh-22
calf-14

red=met goal