it was shopping day and i didn't go with my family, they of course only like to buy off-limits foods like ice cream, cookies, chips, things that could really get me into trouble, (when i go with them, while they are not looking i take the those types of food out of the cart)
but i didn't go and i must have had to rows of fudge cookies and three glasses of whole milk.
why not just cut open my thigh open and manually stuff fat in?
so food wise i sucked, i also had a bad weekend with this one girl i like. F.
but now I'm having mixed feelings, her best friend i hate and when they are together they act like one. this is a turn off, she is nasty and aggressive with everything.
i changed my room around got rid of my bed, have a futon now. great for all the company i will never have over. i know my period is making me a Debbie downer but i am feeling quite alone these days. i only have one friend and siblings. i ran away from old friends and never bothered to make new. now i don't talk to people and am in turn very shy. i also am paranoid and that makes it incredibly hard to have a normal conversation.
sometimes i cry really hard because i don't have anyone to talk to. and i look in my phone at the only four numbers i call, three are blood relatives and one is my work number. i feel so pathetic and isolated from the world. i don't have a facebook and Ana is the only thing i stay in touch with. this is a serious problem for me. i have never experienced loneliness then these moments in my life. i need to feel happy, in control of me. control will help me be more presentable, more lovable, more open. Ana helps me through that door. otherwise I'm stuck on the other side of the door. looking through the crack on the bottom of the door, listening to the noises, laughter, following the shadows of the people in a happy world. one i dream to always be apart of. who am i, where did i come from. how can i get back?