two o'clock and feeling like a human being.
not hungry and not full.
I'm trying to fix myself.
i focus on food and exercise at all times.
it consumes me.
i know i have a problem
but i know i wouldn't want to fix it.
i am staring at my fat thighs.
they touch as i sit here.
if there was only a gap between them, even when i sit.
i would feel some much more content with my life.
i know something stupid like that shouldn't matter to me
but i have raised being thin on a pedestal for so long
that it has become a goal i need to reach.
i would think that I'm a smart girl,
who shouldn't be so invested in her looks
but i think it passed looking good
a long time ago
i am more focused on being someone
being something i perceive as perfect and happy.
that is what i think holds me here.
keeps me with ana and mia.
my two new best friends.
that perception of happiness.
my arms are weak.
the past few days i have been living at the gym
toning and running
stretching and sprinting.
I'm sore, mentally and physically.
i regret to inform you all, I'm still a balloon.
i lost two pounds, still have fifteen to go.
yikes, i have my work cut out for me.
worst part about this cleanse: stop smoking