Sunday, December 27, 2009


okay im spill what has been happening.

i have been a bad ana. I sure you all have tried going to "normal eating". thats where i have been at. after a day of feeling terrible i decided that the only way to feel like a "normal" person was to eat the fucking three meals a day. I also decided that weighing myself daily would make me go back to ana. so i did so for at least now a week.
the first day was a wreck. i felt heavy ugly and discusted with myelf.
the next couple of days went something like that too. I couldn't sleep well and ended up with
like full blown out anger issues. I felt uncomfortable which made me have bitter feelings towards everything.
i think its enough to say i was a mess.
well today i woke up and realized i had to live MY life to my expectations. that not everyone wanst and needs the same things in life. so what if my ideas involve being really skinny and beautiful. how i achieve that expectation relies on me.
so as of a couple of hours ago, i have taken up ana, full time.
this week was the proof i needed to resolve some issues i had in my head.
i need ana, and she is willing to take me in. thats everything i need to know.

so new years resolution: be a better friend to ana and stop shoving her in the corner.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

nothing tastes as good as thin feels

an artist by the name of Ivonne Thein, showing true beauty.

well this morning i woke up thinking what am i doing, just eat god damn it.
then i went to the kitchen and had a bowl of cereal and the moment i finished the bowl and i got up and felt the food inside me i felt so sick and discusted with myself! i tired throwing up but i couldn't toss the food being that everyone in my family was up and running around.

then i had a melt down. i sat on my toilet crying for 30 minutes thinking what a pathetic loser i have become, i really am, my thighs could literally take over a country and my hips can't fit through a door. i try avoid mirrors altogether now except after my showers, thats the time when i point out every discusting flaw on my body that everyone sees and i hide from.

my 200 calorie breakfast choice! great idea coraline.
im a fucking idoit who will die of obesity and look like those

chums on the biggest loser, you wait and see.

im still just a tiny bit emotional right now and im sorry for taking it out in this blog.
you dont need to here my baby chatter of blubber.
okay well after my meltdown this morning i got up and figured a 30 hour fast, thats until four o'clock tomorrow night will do me just fine. get some of that soy milk and cereal out. plus i will regenerate and think about what it takes to be ana, maybe come to a new solution on how i can be a better ana.
after the 30 hour fast i really really dont want to spoil myself with food like binge it out, i need a safe food i can eat it with. i was thinking a cabbage soup or miso. or something thats clear and pure. like i wish i could be!

oh, how are the holidays spent at normal houses, for these up and coming holidays i WILL NEED HELP. my family eats like really eats.
like if you gave them one ten pound turkey, one baked ham, and one lamb (which they eat but makes me cry) and all the side dishes you can think of they will ask "where is dessert". and thats not a joke.

so i want a game plan for the holidays so i dont go in there blinded by food and then end up with my head in a toilet or worse with a full stomach!
thanks anas.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

hey there!

well today went something like this: the shop.more studying.water break.more homework. pick up my sister from work. go Christmas shopping. came home and wrapped presents. ate cereal. more homework.
when put this way i don't feel like a lazy shit.
but the past couple of days i have been sick and in bed so me eating was a no go but i didn't get up out of bed once. it has its ups and downs.
my diet plan, 16 pounds by Christmas seems a little ambitious but i will give it my best try. i will make it down 16 pounds whether or not i reach it in time for christmas. i cannot stand this heavy weight im carrying around.


Wednesday, December 9, 2009

great news. god loves skinny woman!

oh little side note.
tonight i was at the gym 45 mins into my 60 minute workout when the announcement comes on "we have to shut down the power, in about 5-10 minutes, im sorry for the incoveinence"
i was so bumed out, that i worked my ass off the next seven minutes when all the lights go out.
im waiting for my machine to shut off and then to my suprise its still going! me and the girl next to me were the only girls going at it in the dark!

ana would have been so proud, heck i was so happy that i got to my intended calories burned.
just to show you that someone up there is completely on our side!!

im still on track too, lost a pound today. woo hoo.
i love seeing a new subscriber, everyday i get one more!

always if your staying tuned for my most recent diet i have been doing quite well.
everymorning i drag myself to the gym and get about two to three hours of cardio each day,
i ahve noticing small improvements around my waist and hips which is always good. im not
far from content with how i look. i still have about 15 pounds to go till im content and not hating myself, but 20 pounds away from my ultimate goal!
yesterday was bad though. :(
i went to the gym in the morning like usually and burned a total of 350 calories, (i always underestimate what the machine says.) so i was feeling good about myself that i didn't eat either until about one (which is normal) then i decided it was my one soup a day time. i ate the soup but i also suplurged on eating an applesauce with a little bit of low calorie cocoa powder, which was said to stop my chocolate craving without the fat. so later that dayi go to weigh myself expecting at least a small reduction but I GAINED A POUND!
i know its normal for your weight to fluctuate during the day, but i was working really hard and i didn't eat anything i hate backtracking during a weight loss. so i went again to the gym for another three hours, burning about 500 calories during that visist.
good news: i lost two pounds, im back on track.
it was raining today so i slept in, since i did sleep in. i have decided no food. i do not want another
episode like yesterday.
i hope ana is proud of me.!

stay strong ladies.

Monday, December 7, 2009

two ana heads are better than one.

new diets give me a kick start with determination.
but my diet is actually exciting for another reason, i have a diet buddy! it is actually my texting ana buddy.
i will lose sixteen pounds by Christmas time! it is so exciting when you set goals for yourself, i have decided that i will lose in intervals 7, 5, 4. at this weight i will feel comfortable but not fully content. but i will reach my ultimate goal of 104 by my birthday (march 22) to start my new year off right.
technically i consider my new year my birthday because think about it, you were born that day and your complete year ends that day. i do not blow it up with whistles and a ball dropping but i do celebrate in a very similar way, alochol. this cheat day is allowed and in fact a must. (especially when your around my family.)

i always get a reference from people that im small or a 100 pounds, because i have a small frame but if they actually knew that the scale is 120 i think i would ashamed. in a way it makes me discusted with myself that i weigh so much and people lie to me about my apperance. i know what i look like i spent the most time analysising myself in the mirror at flaws that stand out so much.
the people who want to be nice and lie to me get me more discusted and i hate them for their betrayal. i want the truth, i know i have been gaining weight, dont tell me im fine so i continue my excessive eating so i become a fat cow, so then you can assure yourself you look better than me.

when did the people you love turn into such liars?

coffee with soy milk

(45min) cycling
(45min) running

Friday, December 4, 2009

so today was like a never ending rush to the bathroom!
i know, too much information but its like with all the water i have been drinking and the lax i have in my system from the past two days its bound to get to me.
i just got a new texting ana, which i 100% recomend. its like having ana herself at your finger tips with advice and a shoulder to cry on about your sucesses and losses.

today at work i think it was a failure, i have been trying to eat nothing like zero calories except for my morning coffee, but when it was time to work i had to cook at the store and it got to me alittle. so many smells and me not eating since two days before. i was bound to crack under the pressure, [i reason i failed the road test the first time :)] but i had a bowl of carrot ginger soup and a grapefruit.
i have been saving money for all the christmas persents i have to buy, 500 dollars worth of fucking presents! so instead of putting it to food i have decided it will go to old st. nick.
which benefits me to!, no food to put my grubby hands on! of course i will still buy my diet food, but at least i wont have any extra money laying around.

did i mention that i believe my motehr has an ED too. ever since i was little she hasn't eaten more than a bowl of lettuce and a cup of oatmeal in front of me. she is practicely 105 pounds (my goal) and i feel like she taunts it in front of me. maybe im being paranoid, i just dont like the idea that my mom can be my ideal goal and i still a blimp!

my on going bantering has to stop, i didn't make this blog so i can whine, i just wanted a safe place that could be like a journal in some sense. i have to be positive and keep strong.

to all you anas,
starve on!

how about a little thinspiration!!

hopefully these girls can get your day going in the right direction!

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Every time you say no thank you to food, you say yes please to thin.

im not feeling so swell. i took over the recomended amount of lax this morning, thinking i can get all the junk out of my stomach from yesterday, after i wrote i continued by bad binge followed by a peppermint brownie and one of those latte from starbucks.

but so far today i haven't ate a single bite of food. its five o'clock here in eastern time and i feel like im doing ana good!

i've never realized how much i enjoy an empty stomach as opposed to a full one. its so much more enjoyable and i feel like these pounds will just meltoff. im going to continue this for tomorrow night. Then Saturday i will have to eat something so my body doesn't go into starvation mode and my metabolism decreases. But i have been doing all the text book workings to increase it, drinking only cold water, cold showers, excerise, green tea.

knock on wood but i feel like i might have mowed right over my slump and back on track.

i have recently been taken the easy ways out, with work school and now ana. but im fixing it.

you must work at the things you want and now i realzie what its going to take to reach my goals.

there is nothign now standing in my way to THINdom.




run (30min)

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

i feel like a a piece of garbage. so this fast thing, frist day a big beautiful sucess!
second day i want throw myself in a washing machine. so about the dramatic effect.

i was doing the basic run in the morning have my water with lemon and go to school thing then all of
a sudden my sister calls with news of my uncle in the hospital, then my grandmother
is following me around the house asking me a thousand questions about when im going
eat something and then i have to pick up my sister from school plus the dog from the groomers
then school for five hours.
everything all happened at once and it got the best of me and my empty stomach.
i was thinking the whole time, just go lay down or have some apple cider vinegar to
stop your hunger, drink some water.
THEN: out of no where the stupidest thought
occured. Coraline, dont you want to be normal? have a normal meal? eat like a normal
person? you wont be so stressed if you have something to eat.
okay something small i said, something small happened to be an apple, some caulitflower with hummes, chocolate milk, a raw revolution bar, soy milk, chewy bar with peanut butter, and to top it all off my head in the toliet bowl.

can someone please stop the maddness occuring in my head!
i know i didn't get it all out and i plan on going for a run after school and a self loathing in front of the mirror so i dont eat anything tonight.
i feel like a failure and i whimp that i can't take control of my emotions.
i should subscribe to an emotional eating website rather than a pro ana one. I dont deserve to call myself an ana.

okay enough, i have to pull myself together at least for the next few days, i was recomended a diet called "the scared heart" and im going to try it out. claims you can lose up to ten pounds in a week. ten pounds of my bad habit hopfully.

beginning to starve on-

Monday, November 30, 2009

im currently 120.
ideally want to be 105.
trying to lose in 5 pound intervals.
like to reach this weight by the beginning of the new year.!
cross your fingers for me.

if being skinny were easy,everyone would be it

i was more reserved than usually on thanksgiving and i didn't dissappoint myself
to the point of punishment. i was naughty when i came to dessert though so went
on a half hour walk to reverse the effects. i have been depressingly bad though
since i have come home, with all the take home desserts and leftovers!
shoot me in the stomach please.
i sometimes feel stronger that i dont have the stomach or strong enough will to be ana
that i once did and think maybe i dont derserve to look like ana.
but what kind of atittude is that.!
insprational quotes & music have helped greatly pulling me out of my slump.
i have been searching the web for all types of great hunger stopppers, and my favorites are

cold showers, hot berveages
when alone, laugh at food giving you the upper hand
counting tricks
walking around the block, yoga streches
drink water till you have to pee. (not literally)

to reconcile with my good behavoir i have decided i will partake in a water/juice fast for four days, starting TUESDAY!

vegetable juice (from a juicer);containing-kale,celery, swiss chard,carrot,lemon,cabbage
water with lemon
fruit smootie
water with lemon
fruit smootie
vegetable juice
vegetable broth

WHEN HUNGER MUST GO TO LIQUIDS ONLY; milk, diluted juice, & vegtable broth

Friday will be the toughest day, me being at work(work at a healthfood store with a deli and everyone eats and asks one another what they have eaten, it proves to be very tricky).

so whose in?

oatmeal: 140cal
with 1/2 a banana: 60cal
coffee: 10cal
soy milk:60
1/2 peanut butter & jam sandwich: 160cal
diet coke: 0 cals
4tbsp red pepper hummus: 120cal
celery sticks: 15cal
hundred calorie brownie: 100cal

jog: 30 mins

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

It's the Mind that Makes the Body

i am convinced that i have been asking for trouble since i accepted the invitation to cook dinner (except the bird, of course) for thanksgiving! i swear i am staring a binge in the face and i will end up with my head in a toilet tomorrow night!
i have been searching up a storm looking for anyway to deceive my mom i ate during dinner.

i think the worst part about visiting my mom is she literally weighs 90 pounds! its like seeing her is a realization of what i heifer i really am! and she never eats either, its like she is the ana i always want to be minus the crazy.
stress always leads my over the edge, being with my mom always leads to stress...future solution, don't see my mother? doesn't seem probable.

i have been on top of being a disgusting pig these past days i have also been starting this smoking train, but i will not get hooked and end up having winkles like my mother.

i was thinking about this earlier:
you start out ana having this incredible strong will against food and not eating, but every time you eat it becomes a battle with food, eventually you your will weakens like forces in combat. you must not lose the war but food just continues to over power all your moves and strategies of war. Losing a battle here and there is not always mean you lose in the overall war. My war is won when I'm 105 pounds and loving my body.
i can't let food win.

blueberry scone: 210
orange juice:120
soy milk-90
spoonful of peanut butter-90


not one of my best days, i am going to plan a fast after thanksgiving, when i get back to my normal routine. wish me luck for Thanksgiving and i hope the same for you!
who wants to look like a fat pilgrims anyway?... :)


Monday, November 23, 2009

close encounters of the sister kind.

today was an errand-filled day, which means mind off food for a change. but the down fall is that i do not get to workout to break even. Making a promise to myself that before i do some yoga. I was with my older sister all morning, she is always a little bit suspicious if i don't eat which is because of her two months ago she finding some lax in my sock draw. She then attempted to have a stern talk with me about how immature i was being. Now i have to make it a point that we go to get something to eat i make sure she sees me having my meal of the day; my large coffee and protein bar.

Reminder to self: always eat while someones watching, leads away suspicions.

my faults when it comes to eating is being home. knowing my family has every trouble food under the sun leads me down the path of no return!. so when im out i try to stay out and about for as long as i can. my grandmother is the only one who assumes i don't eat but she isn't taken seriously.
i haven't been able to sleep in a while and every other hour i usually end up waking up, which leads me through the day dragging on in a half conscious state. not good a combination with driving.

larabar: 190 cal
large coffee: 10 cal
orange: 70 cal
1/2 apple: 50cal
apple cider: 120cal

yoga (45min)

I just thought of when i was little girlie it never mattered what i ate, that calories never existed.
now i think, who the hell was she? I actually remember the day when i was struck hard with the calorie stick. My sister's friend was home and i was eating something that back then seemed like a typical lunch, grilled cheese with bacon and her friend was staring at me and said "if you dont watch what you eat you will be fat and ugly" Repeating it makes it sound like a teen drama series, where then i end up pinching my fat ass in a mirror. But it played out alot like that i hate to say. i have been on and off really into weight but right now im at a dead end.
turning back around and limiting eating seems much like my only option.

more news tomorrow!,

Sunday, November 22, 2009

The beginning of a beautiful friendship.

The name is Coraline.
I have been a vegetarian/dairy free for two years and mia on and off since 8th grade. I have made a decision to become ana only a few hours ago, ( i know i know easy to say when you just binged and have a discustingly full stomach) but i am serious! i have put it off for too long and have only ruined my body in the process.
I have made the desicion that the only way to seriously rid myself of these ugly pounds is to make a commitment and write to strangers about my daily progress and faults. i could only hope that i recieve support and thinspirational stories and people who disagree keep their opinions to themselves.

i really need this change, i believe it is the only way i can take back control of my life.

cereal: 140 cal
1tsp honey: 60 cal
coffee:10 cal


(where it all went wrong,

7 mini chocolate chip
1cup vanilla frozen
1tsp peanut butter:80cals

walked my dog (45min)

with more hope tomorrow,

the feeling is mutual.

for your ears only

Prefection Found

-I want to be so thin, light, airy, that when the light hits me, I don't leave a shadow behind.
-when I walk across the snow I will not leave so much as one footprint
-I can dance between the raindrops in a downpour.
-And you're my obsession. I love you too the bones.
-I want to be light enough so a helium balloon could lift me and carry me to the clouds.
-I want to be as light as a feather and tumble
-Let your bones define the beauty of your body.
-Empty is pure. Starving is pure.
-I can get thinner. I can cut it all off. I can wear low slung Levi's and crop tops and long straight dresses like willowy models, and I will grasp with the breathlessness of being airborne. I can fly and be free. I never realized how easy it was.
-Ana, my friend, my companion. -Starve my pain away. Make me beautiful. Make everything ok. Turn my problems into bones. Crush them up. Gather the remains. Blow away the dust.
-Anyone can have "inner beauty" but few can earn real beauty, inside as well as out.
-Thin has a taste all its own.
-Nothing tastes as good as thin feels.
-Don't suffer from anorexia and bulimia. Enjoy every minute of it!
-People will remember you as Beautiful
-You'll be able to run faster without all that extra weight dragging you down.
-You will be able to see your beautiful, beautiful bones.
-Only thin people are graceful.
-You'll be able to move as quietly and skillfully as a spider.
-It's not like beauty will make you especially interesting, but it will help people to get interested in your soul. -Within me lies a treasure hunt. When I lose I win.
-Lose everything and what is real will still remain.
-One day I will be thin enough. Just the bones, no disfiguring flesh. Just the pure clear shape of me, bones. That is what we all are, what we're made up of and everything else is just storage, deposit, waste. Strip it away, use it up.
-I've freed myself from this compulsion of eating. When I wake, I am empty, light-headed. I love to stay this way, free and pure, light on my feet, traveling as a feather.
-We turn skeletons into goddesses and look to them as if they might teach us how not to need. -Junk food is cheap but thin is priceless.
-Blessed are the starving, for they shall teach us not to want.
-Let me be empty and weightless and maybe I'll find peace tonight.

que evil music

goal measurements:
upper arm-8.5

my measurements(may24):

red=met goal