okay im spill what has been happening.
i have been a bad ana. I sure you all have tried going to "normal eating". thats where i have been at. after a day of feeling terrible i decided that the only way to feel like a "normal" person was to eat the fucking three meals a day. I also decided that weighing myself daily would make me go back to ana. so i did so for at least now a week.
the first day was a wreck. i felt heavy ugly and discusted with myelf.
the next couple of days went something like that too. I couldn't sleep well and ended up with
like full blown out anger issues. I felt uncomfortable which made me have bitter feelings towards everything.
i think its enough to say i was a mess.
well today i woke up and realized i had to live MY life to my expectations. that not everyone wanst and needs the same things in life. so what if my ideas involve being really skinny and beautiful. how i achieve that expectation relies on me.
so as of a couple of hours ago, i have taken up ana, full time.
this week was the proof i needed to resolve some issues i had in my head.
i need ana, and she is willing to take me in. thats everything i need to know.
so new years resolution: be a better friend to ana and stop shoving her in the corner.
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
well this morning i woke up thinking what am i doing, just eat god damn it.
then i went to the kitchen and had a bowl of cereal and the moment i finished the bowl and i got up and felt the food inside me i felt so sick and discusted with myself! i tired throwing up but i couldn't toss the food being that everyone in my family was up and running around.
then i had a melt down. i sat on my toilet crying for 30 minutes thinking what a pathetic loser i have become, i really am, my thighs could literally take over a country and my hips can't fit through a door. i try avoid mirrors altogether now except after my showers, thats the time when i point out every discusting flaw on my body that everyone sees and i hide from.
my 200 calorie breakfast choice! great idea coraline.
im a fucking idoit who will die of obesity and look like those
chums on the biggest loser, you wait and see.
im still just a tiny bit emotional right now and im sorry for taking it out in this blog.
you dont need to here my baby chatter of blubber.
okay well after my meltdown this morning i got up and figured a 30 hour fast, thats until four o'clock tomorrow night will do me just fine. get some of that soy milk and cereal out. plus i will regenerate and think about what it takes to be ana, maybe come to a new solution on how i can be a better ana.
after the 30 hour fast i really really dont want to spoil myself with food like binge it out, i need a safe food i can eat it with. i was thinking a cabbage soup or miso. or something thats clear and pure. like i wish i could be!
oh, how are the holidays spent at normal houses, for these up and coming holidays i WILL NEED HELP. my family eats like really eats.
like if you gave them one ten pound turkey, one baked ham, and one lamb (which they eat but makes me cry) and all the side dishes you can think of they will ask "where is dessert". and thats not a joke.
so i want a game plan for the holidays so i dont go in there blinded by food and then end up with my head in a toilet or worse with a full stomach!
thanks anas.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
hey there!
well today went something like this:
getup.shower.homework.study.walk the dog.food shop.more studying.water break.more homework. pick up my sister from work. go Christmas shopping. came home and wrapped presents. ate cereal. more homework.
when put this way i don't feel like a lazy shit.
but the past couple of days i have been sick and in bed so me eating was a no go but i didn't get up out of bed once. it has its ups and downs.
my diet plan, 16 pounds by Christmas seems a little ambitious but i will give it my best try. i will make it down 16 pounds whether or not i reach it in time for christmas. i cannot stand this heavy weight im carrying around.
later!
well today went something like this:
getup.shower.homework.study.walk the dog.food shop.more studying.water break.more homework. pick up my sister from work. go Christmas shopping. came home and wrapped presents. ate cereal. more homework.
when put this way i don't feel like a lazy shit.
but the past couple of days i have been sick and in bed so me eating was a no go but i didn't get up out of bed once. it has its ups and downs.
my diet plan, 16 pounds by Christmas seems a little ambitious but i will give it my best try. i will make it down 16 pounds whether or not i reach it in time for christmas. i cannot stand this heavy weight im carrying around.
later!
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
great news. god loves skinny woman!
oh little side note.
tonight i was at the gym 45 mins into my 60 minute workout when the announcement comes on "we have to shut down the power, in about 5-10 minutes, im sorry for the incoveinence"
i was so bumed out, that i worked my ass off the next seven minutes when all the lights go out.
im waiting for my machine to shut off and then to my suprise its still going! me and the girl next to me were the only girls going at it in the dark!
ana would have been so proud, heck i was so happy that i got to my intended calories burned.
just to show you that someone up there is completely on our side!!
im still on track too, lost a pound today. woo hoo.
tonight i was at the gym 45 mins into my 60 minute workout when the announcement comes on "we have to shut down the power, in about 5-10 minutes, im sorry for the incoveinence"
i was so bumed out, that i worked my ass off the next seven minutes when all the lights go out.
im waiting for my machine to shut off and then to my suprise its still going! me and the girl next to me were the only girls going at it in the dark!
ana would have been so proud, heck i was so happy that i got to my intended calories burned.
just to show you that someone up there is completely on our side!!
im still on track too, lost a pound today. woo hoo.
i love seeing a new subscriber, everyday i get one more!
always if your staying tuned for my most recent diet i have been doing quite well.
everymorning i drag myself to the gym and get about two to three hours of cardio each day,
i ahve noticing small improvements around my waist and hips which is always good. im not
far from content with how i look. i still have about 15 pounds to go till im content and not hating myself, but 20 pounds away from my ultimate goal!
yesterday was bad though. :(
i went to the gym in the morning like usually and burned a total of 350 calories, (i always underestimate what the machine says.) so i was feeling good about myself that i didn't eat either until about one (which is normal) then i decided it was my one soup a day time. i ate the soup but i also suplurged on eating an applesauce with a little bit of low calorie cocoa powder, which was said to stop my chocolate craving without the fat. so later that dayi go to weigh myself expecting at least a small reduction but I GAINED A POUND!
i know its normal for your weight to fluctuate during the day, but i was working really hard and i didn't eat anything i hate backtracking during a weight loss. so i went again to the gym for another three hours, burning about 500 calories during that visist.
good news: i lost two pounds, im back on track.
it was raining today so i slept in, since i did sleep in. i have decided no food. i do not want another
episode like yesterday.
i hope ana is proud of me.!
stay strong ladies.
always if your staying tuned for my most recent diet i have been doing quite well.
everymorning i drag myself to the gym and get about two to three hours of cardio each day,
i ahve noticing small improvements around my waist and hips which is always good. im not
far from content with how i look. i still have about 15 pounds to go till im content and not hating myself, but 20 pounds away from my ultimate goal!
yesterday was bad though. :(
i went to the gym in the morning like usually and burned a total of 350 calories, (i always underestimate what the machine says.) so i was feeling good about myself that i didn't eat either until about one (which is normal) then i decided it was my one soup a day time. i ate the soup but i also suplurged on eating an applesauce with a little bit of low calorie cocoa powder, which was said to stop my chocolate craving without the fat. so later that dayi go to weigh myself expecting at least a small reduction but I GAINED A POUND!
i know its normal for your weight to fluctuate during the day, but i was working really hard and i didn't eat anything i hate backtracking during a weight loss. so i went again to the gym for another three hours, burning about 500 calories during that visist.
good news: i lost two pounds, im back on track.
it was raining today so i slept in, since i did sleep in. i have decided no food. i do not want another
episode like yesterday.
i hope ana is proud of me.!
stay strong ladies.
Monday, December 7, 2009
two ana heads are better than one.
new diets give me a kick start with determination.
but my diet is actually exciting for another reason, i have a diet buddy! it is actually my texting ana buddy.
i will lose sixteen pounds by Christmas time! it is so exciting when you set goals for yourself, i have decided that i will lose in intervals 7, 5, 4. at this weight i will feel comfortable but not fully content. but i will reach my ultimate goal of 104 by my birthday (march 22) to start my new year off right.
technically i consider my new year my birthday because think about it, you were born that day and your complete year ends that day. i do not blow it up with whistles and a ball dropping but i do celebrate in a very similar way, alochol. this cheat day is allowed and in fact a must. (especially when your around my family.)
i always get a reference from people that im small or a 100 pounds, because i have a small frame but if they actually knew that the scale is 120 i think i would ashamed. in a way it makes me discusted with myself that i weigh so much and people lie to me about my apperance. i know what i look like i spent the most time analysising myself in the mirror at flaws that stand out so much.
the people who want to be nice and lie to me get me more discusted and i hate them for their betrayal. i want the truth, i know i have been gaining weight, dont tell me im fine so i continue my excessive eating so i become a fat cow, so then you can assure yourself you look better than me.
when did the people you love turn into such liars?
intake:
water
tea
coffee with soy milk
outtake:
(45min) cycling
(45min) running
but my diet is actually exciting for another reason, i have a diet buddy! it is actually my texting ana buddy.
i will lose sixteen pounds by Christmas time! it is so exciting when you set goals for yourself, i have decided that i will lose in intervals 7, 5, 4. at this weight i will feel comfortable but not fully content. but i will reach my ultimate goal of 104 by my birthday (march 22) to start my new year off right.
technically i consider my new year my birthday because think about it, you were born that day and your complete year ends that day. i do not blow it up with whistles and a ball dropping but i do celebrate in a very similar way, alochol. this cheat day is allowed and in fact a must. (especially when your around my family.)
i always get a reference from people that im small or a 100 pounds, because i have a small frame but if they actually knew that the scale is 120 i think i would ashamed. in a way it makes me discusted with myself that i weigh so much and people lie to me about my apperance. i know what i look like i spent the most time analysising myself in the mirror at flaws that stand out so much.
the people who want to be nice and lie to me get me more discusted and i hate them for their betrayal. i want the truth, i know i have been gaining weight, dont tell me im fine so i continue my excessive eating so i become a fat cow, so then you can assure yourself you look better than me.
when did the people you love turn into such liars?
intake:
water
tea
coffee with soy milk
outtake:
(45min) cycling
(45min) running
Friday, December 4, 2009
so today was like a never ending rush to the bathroom!
i know, too much information but its like with all the water i have been drinking and the lax i have in my system from the past two days its bound to get to me.
i just got a new texting ana, which i 100% recomend. its like having ana herself at your finger tips with advice and a shoulder to cry on about your sucesses and losses.
today at work i think it was a failure, i have been trying to eat nothing like zero calories except for my morning coffee, but when it was time to work i had to cook at the store and it got to me alittle. so many smells and me not eating since two days before. i was bound to crack under the pressure, [i reason i failed the road test the first time :)] but i had a bowl of carrot ginger soup and a grapefruit.
i have been saving money for all the christmas persents i have to buy, 500 dollars worth of fucking presents! so instead of putting it to food i have decided it will go to old st. nick.
which benefits me to!, no food to put my grubby hands on! of course i will still buy my diet food, but at least i wont have any extra money laying around.
did i mention that i believe my motehr has an ED too. ever since i was little she hasn't eaten more than a bowl of lettuce and a cup of oatmeal in front of me. she is practicely 105 pounds (my goal) and i feel like she taunts it in front of me. maybe im being paranoid, i just dont like the idea that my mom can be my ideal goal and i still a blimp!
my on going bantering has to stop, i didn't make this blog so i can whine, i just wanted a safe place that could be like a journal in some sense. i have to be positive and keep strong.
to all you anas,
starve on!
i know, too much information but its like with all the water i have been drinking and the lax i have in my system from the past two days its bound to get to me.
i just got a new texting ana, which i 100% recomend. its like having ana herself at your finger tips with advice and a shoulder to cry on about your sucesses and losses.
today at work i think it was a failure, i have been trying to eat nothing like zero calories except for my morning coffee, but when it was time to work i had to cook at the store and it got to me alittle. so many smells and me not eating since two days before. i was bound to crack under the pressure, [i reason i failed the road test the first time :)] but i had a bowl of carrot ginger soup and a grapefruit.
i have been saving money for all the christmas persents i have to buy, 500 dollars worth of fucking presents! so instead of putting it to food i have decided it will go to old st. nick.
which benefits me to!, no food to put my grubby hands on! of course i will still buy my diet food, but at least i wont have any extra money laying around.
did i mention that i believe my motehr has an ED too. ever since i was little she hasn't eaten more than a bowl of lettuce and a cup of oatmeal in front of me. she is practicely 105 pounds (my goal) and i feel like she taunts it in front of me. maybe im being paranoid, i just dont like the idea that my mom can be my ideal goal and i still a blimp!
my on going bantering has to stop, i didn't make this blog so i can whine, i just wanted a safe place that could be like a journal in some sense. i have to be positive and keep strong.
to all you anas,
starve on!
how about a little thinspiration!!
hopefully these girls can get your day going in the right direction!
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Every time you say no thank you to food, you say yes please to thin.
im not feeling so swell. i took over the recomended amount of lax this morning, thinking i can get all the junk out of my stomach from yesterday, after i wrote i continued by bad binge followed by a peppermint brownie and one of those latte from starbucks.
but so far today i haven't ate a single bite of food. its five o'clock here in eastern time and i feel like im doing ana good!
i've never realized how much i enjoy an empty stomach as opposed to a full one. its so much more enjoyable and i feel like these pounds will just meltoff. im going to continue this for tomorrow night. Then Saturday i will have to eat something so my body doesn't go into starvation mode and my metabolism decreases. But i have been doing all the text book workings to increase it, drinking only cold water, cold showers, excerise, green tea.
knock on wood but i feel like i might have mowed right over my slump and back on track.
i have recently been taken the easy ways out, with work school and now ana. but im fixing it.
you must work at the things you want and now i realzie what its going to take to reach my goals.
there is nothign now standing in my way to THINdom.
Intake-
NOTHING
OUTtake-
run (30min)
but so far today i haven't ate a single bite of food. its five o'clock here in eastern time and i feel like im doing ana good!
i've never realized how much i enjoy an empty stomach as opposed to a full one. its so much more enjoyable and i feel like these pounds will just meltoff. im going to continue this for tomorrow night. Then Saturday i will have to eat something so my body doesn't go into starvation mode and my metabolism decreases. But i have been doing all the text book workings to increase it, drinking only cold water, cold showers, excerise, green tea.
knock on wood but i feel like i might have mowed right over my slump and back on track.
i have recently been taken the easy ways out, with work school and now ana. but im fixing it.
you must work at the things you want and now i realzie what its going to take to reach my goals.
there is nothign now standing in my way to THINdom.
Intake-
NOTHING
OUTtake-
run (30min)
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
i feel like a a piece of garbage. so this fast thing, frist day a big beautiful sucess!
second day i want throw myself in a washing machine. so about the dramatic effect.
i was doing the basic run in the morning have my water with lemon and go to school thing then all of
a sudden my sister calls with news of my uncle in the hospital, then my grandmother
is following me around the house asking me a thousand questions about when im going
eat something and then i have to pick up my sister from school plus the dog from the groomers
then school for five hours.
everything all happened at once and it got the best of me and my empty stomach.
i was thinking the whole time, just go lay down or have some apple cider vinegar to
stop your hunger, drink some water.
THEN: out of no where the stupidest thought
occured. Coraline, dont you want to be normal? have a normal meal? eat like a normal
person? you wont be so stressed if you have something to eat.
okay something small i said, something small happened to be an apple, some caulitflower with hummes, chocolate milk, a raw revolution bar, soy milk, chewy bar with peanut butter, and to top it all off my head in the toliet bowl.
can someone please stop the maddness occuring in my head!
i know i didn't get it all out and i plan on going for a run after school and a self loathing in front of the mirror so i dont eat anything tonight.
i feel like a failure and i whimp that i can't take control of my emotions.
i should subscribe to an emotional eating website rather than a pro ana one. I dont deserve to call myself an ana.
okay enough, i have to pull myself together at least for the next few days, i was recomended a diet called "the scared heart" and im going to try it out. claims you can lose up to ten pounds in a week. ten pounds of my bad habit hopfully.
beginning to starve on-
Coraline
second day i want throw myself in a washing machine. so about the dramatic effect.
i was doing the basic run in the morning have my water with lemon and go to school thing then all of
a sudden my sister calls with news of my uncle in the hospital, then my grandmother
is following me around the house asking me a thousand questions about when im going
eat something and then i have to pick up my sister from school plus the dog from the groomers
then school for five hours.
everything all happened at once and it got the best of me and my empty stomach.
i was thinking the whole time, just go lay down or have some apple cider vinegar to
stop your hunger, drink some water.
THEN: out of no where the stupidest thought
occured. Coraline, dont you want to be normal? have a normal meal? eat like a normal
person? you wont be so stressed if you have something to eat.
okay something small i said, something small happened to be an apple, some caulitflower with hummes, chocolate milk, a raw revolution bar, soy milk, chewy bar with peanut butter, and to top it all off my head in the toliet bowl.
can someone please stop the maddness occuring in my head!
i know i didn't get it all out and i plan on going for a run after school and a self loathing in front of the mirror so i dont eat anything tonight.
i feel like a failure and i whimp that i can't take control of my emotions.
i should subscribe to an emotional eating website rather than a pro ana one. I dont deserve to call myself an ana.
okay enough, i have to pull myself together at least for the next few days, i was recomended a diet called "the scared heart" and im going to try it out. claims you can lose up to ten pounds in a week. ten pounds of my bad habit hopfully.
beginning to starve on-
Coraline
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
