Monday, May 24, 2010

its tuesday and its beautiful out
okay so heres how my day is supposed to go:
go for a run (25 mintes)
2 glasses of water
walk to work
only 3 glasses of water/tea and 1 cup of coffee
walk home from work
go to the crafts store to buy something entertaining and time consuming
come home and start the book that has been on my night stand for about 1 month
read all night while only having one cup of green tea

later i'll post my update and what actually gets done.
im a planner, i need to know what's going on and what i'm supposed to do.
otherwise i become lost, i get screwy and always get backed up.
im sure many anas feel this way. this is why i hate going out. you never know what will happen and its hard to plan for the unexpectable.
my brother is coming over this weekend and i miss that shithead. im just anticipating our cycle to repeat itself, stay tuned for the danger ahead!

fail to plan, plan to fail.

ate more things than i can count on to hands today.
72 hour juice/water fast starting tomorrow.
wanna join?
i need this. have a goal for this week, have to lose three pounds by saturday.

wish me luck, and same to you.
all love,

Sunday, May 23, 2010

you are what you eat

so where exactly have i been...?
good question, no answer.

i have loads of reading material now, thanks to follow my bloggers. it been a long week and i dropped about three pounds thanks to it. running here and there for the bridal queen. hey at least it keeps me behaved. je suis fatigue. so tired.
last night was the bachelorette party in the city, dinner and dancing. which means salad and booze. dessert was a treat though, tiramisu heaven on earth! coffee soaked cake with whipped cream and coco powder. oh my god. ate only half though. it was so delicious.
on the downside the party was a slap in the face of how great all the girls looked and how chubby i really am. and they eat like hardy portions.
can you answer me this, why is life so unfair?
i kill myself mentally & physically to fit into size zero, and they just roll with the ball.
side note: its like appauling to me, the girls who squeeze into these short dresses with cellulite, or big boobs pouring out into someones face.

its actually kind of comical how everyone in my family is so obilivous to my mia/ana. i could skip an entire weeks worth of food, spit/chew everything, or puke out brains and no one would even figure it out. the jugdes are still out whether this is a blessing or curse. i like how i have the option of what i do or do nto eat but i think its depressing to some extent, i mean who the hell gives a damn, apparently no one here.

im stomach hurts and my heads throbbing a bit, so fresh air will do my body good.
plus there are donuts, (even though im not a donut eater) on my counter and pizza in the fridge looking at me.
so i say lets go get distracted.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

who am i, where did i come from. how can i get back?

got my period this weekend. and my stomach must pay for the pain my uterus is giving me!
it was shopping day and i didn't go with my family, they of course only like to buy off-limits foods like ice cream, cookies, chips, things that could really get me into trouble, (when i go with them, while they are not looking i take the those types of food out of the cart)
but i didn't go and i must have had to rows of fudge cookies and three glasses of whole milk.
why not just cut open my thigh open and manually stuff fat in?
so food wise i sucked, i also had a bad weekend with this one girl i like. F.
but now I'm having mixed feelings, her best friend i hate and when they are together they act like one. this is a turn off, she is nasty and aggressive with everything.
i changed my room around got rid of my bed, have a futon now. great for all the company i will never have over. i know my period is making me a Debbie downer but i am feeling quite alone these days. i only have one friend and siblings. i ran away from old friends and never bothered to make new. now i don't talk to people and am in turn very shy. i also am paranoid and that makes it incredibly hard to have a normal conversation.
sometimes i cry really hard because i don't have anyone to talk to. and i look in my phone at the only four numbers i call, three are blood relatives and one is my work number. i feel so pathetic and isolated from the world. i don't have a facebook and Ana is the only thing i stay in touch with. this is a serious problem for me. i have never experienced loneliness then these moments in my life. i need to feel happy, in control of me. control will help me be more presentable, more lovable, more open. Ana helps me through that door. otherwise I'm stuck on the other side of the door. looking through the crack on the bottom of the door, listening to the noises, laughter, following the shadows of the people in a happy world. one i dream to always be apart of. who am i, where did i come from. how can i get back?

Monday, May 10, 2010

finals are over, we must rejoice!
I'm so glad to get on with my life now that they are over. but now i have to feel school space with new distractions. something productive and useful.
maybe picking up a dance class, god knows i could use the balance. i am about the most clumsiest person to stumble across this earth.

maybe i could finally pick up some reading material, settle down with a good book and finish it.
so i pick up my phone this morning only to get a suprise.
this boy, M. who by all means i consider my best friend sends me a strange picture.
lets get the details down about M. first.
beyond illtelligent, great sense of humor. heterosexual. very attarctive. good body.
boyscout (goofy quality). and always there when i need to talk.
but i have no interest, we are friends but he always trys to presue something thats not there.
its not like i dont find his attractive, its more that i only see him as a brother or friend.
but this picture he sends me, jokingly is him in a typical stripper outfit bowtie, shirtless and rose in mouth.

im actually not shitting you, he has some sense of humor, let me tell you.
i have about [--que hands--]this much clue to what he wants me to say or do with this picture.
its a very confusing relationship from start to finish.
i have a dress fitting tomorrow and im waking up at the break of dawn to run my fat ass off.
at least that is what i hope to achieve. goodnight ladies.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

a mothers day spend in the bathroom.

I'm struggling through the day.
i'm not in the least bit hungry
so i have just been snacking. dry cereal to coffee to miso to diet ice tea to pineapple.
i just am not even bothering.
i have a lot of work to do so i'm sorry about the lack of communication, its finals week and i'm writing about sex and sexuality and how there are binary constructs on it (male/female or hetero/homo) YOU MUST CHOOSE! load of shit if you ask me.

well everything i talk about it i go on a rant and then everyone listening tunes out.
so i better quit while i'm ahead.i'm just passionate and very opinionated on the subject.

anyways i'm just in a little of a runt. my brothers in town. he happens to be a year young and the only person i told i had issues to. we used to be as close as anything. but i moved out because of my mom (happy mothers day!), she is crazy and has about as many psychotic episodes as Tom Cruise. So by me moving out i lost a lot of me and my brothers relationship. he was my best friend now i don't even know who he is. so when he comes to visit i get excited only to be disappointed with who shows up.
i feel like the only thing he takes me for is that i'm old enough to by him some cigarettes.
what a productive relationship! i just don't want to grow older and not know who or where he may be. i was very close with my brother and sisters when i was younger but i only feel us all growing apart.

how can i relate to a 16 year old boy? who the hell knows.

besides the whole having eaten much solid today, i have peeing like a faucet.
every ten minutes, makes it impossible to concentrate and i feel like i should make my permanent home the toilet bowl. eh, i have to go again.

i hope you all have special mothers to share today with, my hearts with you!
had a rough weekend.
and now its mothers day.
the fun just continues!
posting later.

feeling drained.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

sorry about the excessive changing things around on the blog.
just being very indecisive this week.
for the record my blog went from
Finding Perfection to IN ANA"S ARMS to finally Sing a Song About Coraline.
thank you for your support.

now we say goodnight, from our own separate sides

to get to the worst of it,
i had a fight with bridezilla
ended up on a diet soda, chocolate chip cookies, and popcorn binge.
and this is me, getting back from the good old toilet.
now my head feels like its not attached.

i hate my (self medicated) emotional eating
one stray from a normal day or breakdown leads to a whirlpool of food flowing down my throat and into my stomach. its like a flushing of emotion. isn't this how obese people act?
oh lucky day

afterward i feel sore. the woes of of mia finally just hit me.
i cant quite figure out what is worst, going on the binge or throwing it all up.
i was doing so fucking good, up to this point. even though throwing up "fixed" my bad but its the idea of venturing away from mia and into ana's arms, that is eating me up.
will i ever just be normal, and talk things out.
no way, of course i have to torture my body.
well it serves it right, looking like this...

why do i have to hate myself, please let me know now if this is an adolescent thing.
i really like to have some positive look in the future.
tell me! tell me!

i was watching episodes of supersize vs. superskinny.
these are the kinds of shows they need to have in the US.
reality shows about jersey shore are not cutting it for me.
i like to see what the skinny girls eat.

i know recently i have been preaching about trying to be ana.
but i wouldn't want anyone to have the wrong idea
it isn't ideal to be anorexic, but you become labelled in this world.
its like someone has a label maker just going down the list
putting us into categories, tagging our foreheads
this sounds bad.
im not a stereotype of nothing, but think about it.
from the moment we are born we are labelled and sorted into a category.
i think if our world wasn't able to sort people,
what the hell would they do with all that free time?

anyway my point is, im not this or that
all anybody really wants is success.
success is measured by the beholder
my success is happiness, above all is to be content in my own skin.
I'm not exactly anorexic and im not exactly bulimic
i am very particular about food, try to eat healthy, most of the time it works out.
i binge on occasion and throw up.
do what you want with me.
but i will do as i may, and keep walking

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

i am a hermit, and only bad things happen when i step outside

after readin my conversation two things occurred to me.
oh that doesn't seem so bad.
and that i may have forgotten a few things...(for the record i was in the library writing the dailogue and i had to stop, because im a paranoid idiot.)

again i dont know what excatly what was said but i know that the other girl admitted she was exposed to bulima for a week, which doesn't count if you ask me. but she got more in depth about what she went through and how i must be crazy if i think i shouldn't eat to lose weight.
blah blah blah...

yesterday her ears must have been ringing becasue i recieved a missed call from her..
of course i didn't pick up but itexted her later.

she asked if everything was alright with me and why i left so early in the morning. told her i had things to do and dont like sleeping in.she asked me to meet up with her later this week and i said i have work. (at this point im totally avoiding her). i think its for the best at least for a while

memo to self: no more drinking.

Monday, May 3, 2010

swimming with sharks

i have gone off the deep end.
salad for breakfast.
miso for dinner.
im going to continue eating this till im 110.

even i don't blieve this will work.
but i light-headed right now
so at this point i will believe anything.

about the whole, let me spill my secrets out
haven't heard from the person yet,
actually i think it may have been two people.
one only half way in the conversation
but the conversation went somethign like this.

ME:i wish i could waste away
Her: thats a strange thign to say
ME: not a strange thign to say when you are are fat as me

Her: is that a joke, you are at your perfect weight, you were way to skinny before

ME: well maybe i would be taht skinny if i stopped eating
Her: thats so stupid

ME: not stupid, enlightening. being thin is beautiful
Her: you sound like you have an eating disorder
Me: (pause) and if i did
Her: it would make you stupid
Me: Then call me Ishmael
Her: What are you saying?
Me: (takes more to drink) i have to go to the bathroom...

screwed or not screwed?
you be the judge.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

the day after

i am freaking.
i told someone last night about ana and mia.
my secret little friends.
i was drunk and the room was spinning.
i could have told anyone anything at that point.

i think i may regret this...

Saturday, May 1, 2010

heres to you!

perfect summer weather today
ate 900 calories and still feel like im harvesting a watermelon in my stomach.
i dont know what the hell im going to do in the summer
if i still look like this.
i dont know
i have been working out and eating under 1000 each day(exception of couple)
for about a month
and im not losing or gaining.
im still cubby and now where near what i should
maybe im not counting right
i feel gross
my legs touch as i walk
and that makes me want to throw up
maybe i should.
i don't know if this happens to all mias.
but when i get on a kick of throwing up a lot
i get little veins close to the corners of my eyes.
its because i put a lot of strain on my muscles and blood vessels
eh, its easy to cover up. :/

so, i think i have a new found crush.
but its different.
its actually a girl.
i don't know if this is just a bi-curious kind of thing
but to me, attraction is attraction.
whether that be to a boy of girl.
anyway, she is so beautiful
and she makes me laugh, and we mesh so well.
like puzzle pieces
but i wouldn't even know how to approach anyone i like.
plus i don't think she knows i like her, or girls for that matter.
I'm am a little confused about the matter.
and i don't see any reason why she would be attracted to me.
guess I'm just a downer.
maybe i have a new goal....
crushes always help inspire you to a better body.
gettin some green tea then write an essay. woho

heres to all the people who movitate us to better bodies!

the feeling is mutual.

for your ears only

Prefection Found

-I want to be so thin, light, airy, that when the light hits me, I don't leave a shadow behind.
-when I walk across the snow I will not leave so much as one footprint
-I can dance between the raindrops in a downpour.
-And you're my obsession. I love you too the bones.
-I want to be light enough so a helium balloon could lift me and carry me to the clouds.
-I want to be as light as a feather and tumble
-Let your bones define the beauty of your body.
-Empty is pure. Starving is pure.
-I can get thinner. I can cut it all off. I can wear low slung Levi's and crop tops and long straight dresses like willowy models, and I will grasp with the breathlessness of being airborne. I can fly and be free. I never realized how easy it was.
-Ana, my friend, my companion. -Starve my pain away. Make me beautiful. Make everything ok. Turn my problems into bones. Crush them up. Gather the remains. Blow away the dust.
-Anyone can have "inner beauty" but few can earn real beauty, inside as well as out.
-Thin has a taste all its own.
-Nothing tastes as good as thin feels.
-Don't suffer from anorexia and bulimia. Enjoy every minute of it!
-People will remember you as Beautiful
-You'll be able to run faster without all that extra weight dragging you down.
-You will be able to see your beautiful, beautiful bones.
-Only thin people are graceful.
-You'll be able to move as quietly and skillfully as a spider.
-It's not like beauty will make you especially interesting, but it will help people to get interested in your soul. -Within me lies a treasure hunt. When I lose I win.
-Lose everything and what is real will still remain.
-One day I will be thin enough. Just the bones, no disfiguring flesh. Just the pure clear shape of me, bones. That is what we all are, what we're made up of and everything else is just storage, deposit, waste. Strip it away, use it up.
-I've freed myself from this compulsion of eating. When I wake, I am empty, light-headed. I love to stay this way, free and pure, light on my feet, traveling as a feather.
-We turn skeletons into goddesses and look to them as if they might teach us how not to need. -Junk food is cheap but thin is priceless.
-Blessed are the starving, for they shall teach us not to want.
-Let me be empty and weightless and maybe I'll find peace tonight.

que evil music

goal measurements:
upper arm-8.5

my measurements(may24):

red=met goal