Sunday, April 18, 2010

last dance

i feel like I'm always on a path to failure. every time i try and fix it its like I'm repeating the same moves as last time have i ever learned? will i ever? i repeat the same questions to myself every time and every time i leave a pound heavier and every time i want to start over, i have fewer expectations.
I'm so fucking disgusted with myself how have i got this big, how has it gone this far? i am out of options. its go the distance or eat yourself to death. i have to give up solid food. it has come to this, I'm disgusted with everything about my body. i hide under clothes i feel like the blob, the type that is in those horror pictures. i ooze with fat and blubber. rolls and cellulite.
i have been reading a lot about diets today, as i have be indulging in pizza. (Que the gasps) but i want to get this right. one week of elimination then a solid three weeks of no solids. there is a weight loss average of ten pounds. that's a good kick off start to my weight. its pretty gruesome but my weight now is 135. i know i know, I'm a mia who weighs 135. makes little sense, but that seems to be the theme these days.
anyway, i feel like this is my last option. my audience, though small is the only support i have. i will write to keep from binging. which happens to be my downfall
i have to exercise, to keep my energy up. five-six times a week, at least 500 calories each visit. i want to be 125, or hopefully less in a months time.
i really don't want this to be another failed mission. please cross fingers and support me. the diet is called Martha’s Vineyard Detox Diet. if anyone wants to join, the more the merrier. so to make this bittersweet message final. some thinspo would do....

1 comment:

Little Dandelion Girl said...

Hey sweetness,

I am the same weight as you, I will support you to you get whereever you want to go. I keep making the same wrong steps too, and I am too stubborn to change them - I tell myself I should be able to water fast like I did before so NO i am NOT going to go there slowly. Really it would make more sense to change tactic, but I am so freaking determined I am going to do this now... but I always am and I always screw up.

How about right now we wipe our past clean for each other. We will not think about everytime we go wrong, this time we can tell eachother and ourselves that we can do it this time, and when the subconscience questions us, we can tell it to go do one, because I aint reaching 140.

Love xx

the feeling is mutual.

for your ears only

Prefection Found

-I want to be so thin, light, airy, that when the light hits me, I don't leave a shadow behind.
-when I walk across the snow I will not leave so much as one footprint
-I can dance between the raindrops in a downpour.
-And you're my obsession. I love you too the bones.
-I want to be light enough so a helium balloon could lift me and carry me to the clouds.
-I want to be as light as a feather and tumble
-Let your bones define the beauty of your body.
-Empty is pure. Starving is pure.
-I can get thinner. I can cut it all off. I can wear low slung Levi's and crop tops and long straight dresses like willowy models, and I will grasp with the breathlessness of being airborne. I can fly and be free. I never realized how easy it was.
-Ana, my friend, my companion. -Starve my pain away. Make me beautiful. Make everything ok. Turn my problems into bones. Crush them up. Gather the remains. Blow away the dust.
-Anyone can have "inner beauty" but few can earn real beauty, inside as well as out.
-Thin has a taste all its own.
-Nothing tastes as good as thin feels.
-Don't suffer from anorexia and bulimia. Enjoy every minute of it!
-People will remember you as Beautiful
-You'll be able to run faster without all that extra weight dragging you down.
-You will be able to see your beautiful, beautiful bones.
-Only thin people are graceful.
-You'll be able to move as quietly and skillfully as a spider.
-It's not like beauty will make you especially interesting, but it will help people to get interested in your soul. -Within me lies a treasure hunt. When I lose I win.
-Lose everything and what is real will still remain.
-One day I will be thin enough. Just the bones, no disfiguring flesh. Just the pure clear shape of me, bones. That is what we all are, what we're made up of and everything else is just storage, deposit, waste. Strip it away, use it up.
-I've freed myself from this compulsion of eating. When I wake, I am empty, light-headed. I love to stay this way, free and pure, light on my feet, traveling as a feather.
-We turn skeletons into goddesses and look to them as if they might teach us how not to need. -Junk food is cheap but thin is priceless.
-Blessed are the starving, for they shall teach us not to want.
-Let me be empty and weightless and maybe I'll find peace tonight.

que evil music

goal measurements:
upper arm-8.5

my measurements(may24):

red=met goal