Friday, March 26, 2010

trick question

why do i buy chocolate if i know i'm going to binge on it?
fuck the inventor of chocolate bars...(damn Wonka)


there is resistance.
with my longing.
but I'm bursting through fabric.
and can't call ana
i know her number and
if you call Ana
she will appear
and help
all you need to do is
and let her take control
just blackout
and everything will be lighter

Thursday, March 25, 2010

this skin

i have been on a strict Skins marathon.
i have been watching episodes from season one and two for the past two days.
a new favorite. Cassie and Effy.
(tons of thinspo!)

anyway i had off today and to get my mind off food
i cleaned
its pretty unappealing how dirty things get after a while.
spring cleaned everything from my bedroom to bathroom to kitchen to living/dogs room.
its spotless now and i wasted away my day.
how lovely.
i did have two or three pieces of soda bread
which i hacked up,
i feels better to feel light
food just seems to sit in my stomach these days.

i have been going running.
the past four days like clockwork.
and i started smoking again,
not a habit i am proud of but none the less it takes my mind off food.

i feel strange.
i always feel some sort of strange though.
right now i feel like my throat is kicking back.
i know i can never be that normal self i was born.
but i wish i could
clean slate, have the pure body everyones born with.
i should have wished it on my birthday cake
(didn't have a slice)

whats wrong with me?

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

elllo there.

seaweed salad for dinner/lunch
coffee/strawberries/greek yogurt for breakfast

im on a roll.
i feel like a roll
very fattening.
i did though get an am and a pm run in today
i hope tomorrow is better
i could use better

when i talk to my sister, it seems every
conversation in the world relates to her some how
i would start about how i was doing in work
and before i get the first verb out my mouth
she intrudes on my dialogue and talks about herself
i know its her wedding soon and its a load to think about
but is it to much trouble to have a conversation
that is about me?
im on the back burner
the less important pot.
most of the time i want to scream at her
but then we go one fighting for days on end
and then some how the argument gets turned back into my face
where i was the problem and i cause her grief,
go figure
i try and stay out of every ones way and
i seem to always be in there way.

i hate confrontation.
i rather let things slide
and avoid arguments
but i always find myself smack dab in them.

i have been taking up my time lately with studying for midterms
midterms that truely seem to undermind my illtelligence.
i feel like the questions are like:
What color is George Washington's white horse?
apparently we are suppose to be idiots.
but if i study and i keep occupied then i stay far from the kitchen.
which is what i need to do.
when i get home from school i set myself down in the kitchen.
big mistake
i think, i'll just have water
oh but there are some blueberries with my name on it
just blueberries, wont kill you
oh but that cool whip looks pretty lonely.
i bet it would be real good with some frozen bananas.
then bananas turns into peanut butter.
then peanut butter becomes lets make half a sandwich
half a sandwich, why not the whole thing!
oh you have done it now.
might as well eat everything, fatty. you cant avoid being fat.
munch munch munch, till the guilt is found within that last spoonful
of your third bowl on cereal.
got to get rid of this shit.
quick, drink from the faucet. lots of water helps it come up.
then puke your brains out till you think you got it all.
but you know you didn't.
because you still feel full
want to be punched into the belly.
or shot in the head.
take it this did not happen today, which makes me feel better.
but its raining and it makes me wonder.

Monday, March 22, 2010

happy brithday to me(march 22)

today is my birthday
my weight is 126
and its a fresh start.
i will reach 110 by June
thats 16 pounds
i think everyday i will post my thinspo of the day
it will keep my balanced.
i vow not to binge in this time.
it will be hard.
but i owe it to myself to finally acquire some
self- confidence and acceptance.

i cant say it enough
i want to be thin.
but its not something thats just handed to people
its a mountain that must be climbed.

its difficult to write from the heart here.
i mean with my network being from anas themselves
i feel like its becomes more of a battle than a support group.
i think about how to say things to reach my audience.
but most of the time i come out saying pitiful things.
but i am what i am
im not going to type to an audience anymore.
this is more of a journal, like i said from the beginning.
i write for me.

but if you do find yourself involved in my blog.
i will think of you as my little anas on my shoulders
helping me along in my quest.
thanks to you who comment and lead me towards my mountain.

as for my day so far, its been dreadful.
not just the weather. i allowed myself a bowl of cereal and 1/2 a protein shake.
thats about it for today, im hitting the gym in a couple of hours
my goals for this new year
burn 600 or more each day
be more friendly and open
in turn find a true friend
work hard in school
lose weight, (mostly the weight of your bad attitude)
dont lose yourself in the process.

one day at a time.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

food for your eyes

my ideal:
i was house sitting for a friend this weekend.
no Internet access.
but on the plus side they are vegans
so no real junk food.
but i did find bananas
i ate about thousands bananas this weekend.
they have about 120 calories, and that adds up.

urgh, anyway i was walking the dog
after drinking the orange juice in their fridge
and i felt really sick all of a sudden.
i sat on the side of the road
and puked.

it was not exactly the most glamorous thing
i still feel sick
i dont know, what to do.
its not normal and i am scared to some extent.
what if i made my body fix into an acid reflux.
has this happened to anyone?

anyway i have midterms this week and next,
hopefully my focus will be on school
and once its all over i can
put myself back on a detox.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

clean stomach

on a fast.

its morning and my stomach is under control.
lets see how good i can be.
trying to get my mind off things.......

i just want that wow factor, which is becomes a borderline nervous faces.
i want to be gentle and delicate.
i want to feel on top of the world.
i want to be pushed over by a gust of wind.
i want to wear t-shirts as dresses
i want to fall in love
i want to get my shit together
i want to be happy
i want to feel complete
i want to have a true friend
i want to sleep without waking up to a nightmare
i want to sit in the front seat and have the passenger airbag light to be off.
i want to not make the floor creak when i walk
i want to not second guess fitting into an extra small
i want to wear my skinny jeans as baggy ones.
i want to stop feeling jealous
i want to hide under the covers and look like im not there.
i want to feel like im floating on water all day.
i want to never be able to give blood.
i want to drink water and feel refreshed
i want to forget my stomach wants
i want to lean over and have my backbone emerge
i want to be able to fit in a carry-on bag. (long story)
i want to never be hungry
i would love to be thin.

Monday, March 8, 2010

guess who back in town today

a request for an update, makes me feel slighty useful
with the risk of sounding tacky...this feels like home.
i have been bumbarded with school these past few weeks.
i feel tired and all i want to do is spend time with me.

i dont have much of a weight loss from these past days,
but i have been excerising and pushing myself to not be lazy.
i have been scared with my sisters wedding around the corner
and not being able to fit into my dress.
it is a size two, and according to the inetrnet my hips are to wide
and my boobs have grown.

i have ALWAYS been uneasy about big boobs,
the heavier you are, it seems your boobs follow suit.
i just find them unappealing, dont get me wrong
i dont tape my down or anything, but i like mine not to
"weigh" me down.
the other day i went out with my sister, 26
im underage so i had to "dress the part" if i wanted to go
i really couldn't have cared less if i went or not but i went
so the sake of her not drinking and driving.
but anyway, she basically wanted me to wear a skimpy dress
wtih tall heels. I have been very uncomfortable in my skin latey
so i felt gross the whole night. latey i have had hate for my fabby arms
and this sleeveless dress was unflattering.
when i told my sister, nicole about this she just walked away.
saying basically she didn't want to hear it
so you what kind of suport i have.

food wise. i just eat breakfast around 300 calories.
workout everyday except saturdays for two hours each day
and drink black coffee for the rest of the day.
its a lifestyle i hope pays off.
but who can be sure...

i dont know what else to do.
i have a secret obession with those body magazines.
SHAPE, Self, Fitness, Woman's health, etc.
they give me tips on excerising, among other things.
i think i have become obessed with woman
who get there life together and loss weigh.
i hope to be one of those woman, i guess.

i need to lose twenty pounds plus for my sisters wedding.
the thing is i read everything i need to know
and have failed everytime.
i dont know how to start and need help balancing ana,
without losing my head.
it a shame we can't have both....

the feeling is mutual.

for your ears only

Prefection Found

-I want to be so thin, light, airy, that when the light hits me, I don't leave a shadow behind.
-when I walk across the snow I will not leave so much as one footprint
-I can dance between the raindrops in a downpour.
-And you're my obsession. I love you too the bones.
-I want to be light enough so a helium balloon could lift me and carry me to the clouds.
-I want to be as light as a feather and tumble
-Let your bones define the beauty of your body.
-Empty is pure. Starving is pure.
-I can get thinner. I can cut it all off. I can wear low slung Levi's and crop tops and long straight dresses like willowy models, and I will grasp with the breathlessness of being airborne. I can fly and be free. I never realized how easy it was.
-Ana, my friend, my companion. -Starve my pain away. Make me beautiful. Make everything ok. Turn my problems into bones. Crush them up. Gather the remains. Blow away the dust.
-Anyone can have "inner beauty" but few can earn real beauty, inside as well as out.
-Thin has a taste all its own.
-Nothing tastes as good as thin feels.
-Don't suffer from anorexia and bulimia. Enjoy every minute of it!
-People will remember you as Beautiful
-You'll be able to run faster without all that extra weight dragging you down.
-You will be able to see your beautiful, beautiful bones.
-Only thin people are graceful.
-You'll be able to move as quietly and skillfully as a spider.
-It's not like beauty will make you especially interesting, but it will help people to get interested in your soul. -Within me lies a treasure hunt. When I lose I win.
-Lose everything and what is real will still remain.
-One day I will be thin enough. Just the bones, no disfiguring flesh. Just the pure clear shape of me, bones. That is what we all are, what we're made up of and everything else is just storage, deposit, waste. Strip it away, use it up.
-I've freed myself from this compulsion of eating. When I wake, I am empty, light-headed. I love to stay this way, free and pure, light on my feet, traveling as a feather.
-We turn skeletons into goddesses and look to them as if they might teach us how not to need. -Junk food is cheap but thin is priceless.
-Blessed are the starving, for they shall teach us not to want.
-Let me be empty and weightless and maybe I'll find peace tonight.

que evil music

goal measurements:
upper arm-8.5

my measurements(may24):

red=met goal