Sunday, April 25, 2010

a first look

well im fasting tomorrow morning.
right on track
but i did slip up and have black coffee and smoked.

i took a good hard look at myself today,
and do you know what i saw?
nobody, a complete stranger
this time last year my legs stood miles apart
my cheek bones stood out,
i weighed 110 pounds

and i felt strong. real strong.
i feel like i dont even know this weakling in front of me.
who have i become?
its not just the weight though, its all around.
i feel like im slipping away.
towards the deep end.

i have to figure this shit out.
i have to pull myself forward and stop looking back.
it just makes me sick thinking of all my mistakes and missed oppurtunites.
all that time wasted on sulking and feeling bad,
thats thing didn't quite turn out how i wanted them too.

what a cry baby, if you ask me
im strong, i will be strong.
if not for me but for the people i love
because without self control
i would be six feet under by now...

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Blegh, black coffee has very few calories. I think you're okay, dear.

the feeling is mutual.

for your ears only

Prefection Found

-I want to be so thin, light, airy, that when the light hits me, I don't leave a shadow behind.
-when I walk across the snow I will not leave so much as one footprint
-I can dance between the raindrops in a downpour.
-And you're my obsession. I love you too the bones.
-I want to be light enough so a helium balloon could lift me and carry me to the clouds.
-I want to be as light as a feather and tumble
-Let your bones define the beauty of your body.
-Empty is pure. Starving is pure.
-I can get thinner. I can cut it all off. I can wear low slung Levi's and crop tops and long straight dresses like willowy models, and I will grasp with the breathlessness of being airborne. I can fly and be free. I never realized how easy it was.
-Ana, my friend, my companion. -Starve my pain away. Make me beautiful. Make everything ok. Turn my problems into bones. Crush them up. Gather the remains. Blow away the dust.
-Anyone can have "inner beauty" but few can earn real beauty, inside as well as out.
-Thin has a taste all its own.
-Nothing tastes as good as thin feels.
-Don't suffer from anorexia and bulimia. Enjoy every minute of it!
-People will remember you as Beautiful
-You'll be able to run faster without all that extra weight dragging you down.
-You will be able to see your beautiful, beautiful bones.
-Only thin people are graceful.
-You'll be able to move as quietly and skillfully as a spider.
-It's not like beauty will make you especially interesting, but it will help people to get interested in your soul. -Within me lies a treasure hunt. When I lose I win.
-Lose everything and what is real will still remain.
-One day I will be thin enough. Just the bones, no disfiguring flesh. Just the pure clear shape of me, bones. That is what we all are, what we're made up of and everything else is just storage, deposit, waste. Strip it away, use it up.
-I've freed myself from this compulsion of eating. When I wake, I am empty, light-headed. I love to stay this way, free and pure, light on my feet, traveling as a feather.
-We turn skeletons into goddesses and look to them as if they might teach us how not to need. -Junk food is cheap but thin is priceless.
-Blessed are the starving, for they shall teach us not to want.
-Let me be empty and weightless and maybe I'll find peace tonight.

que evil music

goal measurements:
upper arm-8.5

my measurements(may24):

red=met goal