Sunday, May 9, 2010

a mothers day spend in the bathroom.

I'm struggling through the day.
i'm not in the least bit hungry
so i have just been snacking. dry cereal to coffee to miso to diet ice tea to pineapple.
i just am not even bothering.
i have a lot of work to do so i'm sorry about the lack of communication, its finals week and i'm writing about sex and sexuality and how there are binary constructs on it (male/female or hetero/homo) YOU MUST CHOOSE! load of shit if you ask me.

well everything i talk about it i go on a rant and then everyone listening tunes out.
so i better quit while i'm ahead.i'm just passionate and very opinionated on the subject.

anyways i'm just in a little of a runt. my brothers in town. he happens to be a year young and the only person i told i had issues to. we used to be as close as anything. but i moved out because of my mom (happy mothers day!), she is crazy and has about as many psychotic episodes as Tom Cruise. So by me moving out i lost a lot of me and my brothers relationship. he was my best friend now i don't even know who he is. so when he comes to visit i get excited only to be disappointed with who shows up.
i feel like the only thing he takes me for is that i'm old enough to by him some cigarettes.
what a productive relationship! i just don't want to grow older and not know who or where he may be. i was very close with my brother and sisters when i was younger but i only feel us all growing apart.

how can i relate to a 16 year old boy? who the hell knows.

besides the whole having eaten much solid today, i have peeing like a faucet.
every ten minutes, makes it impossible to concentrate and i feel like i should make my permanent home the toilet bowl. eh, i have to go again.

i hope you all have special mothers to share today with, my hearts with you!

No comments:

the feeling is mutual.

for your ears only

Prefection Found

-I want to be so thin, light, airy, that when the light hits me, I don't leave a shadow behind.
-when I walk across the snow I will not leave so much as one footprint
-I can dance between the raindrops in a downpour.
-And you're my obsession. I love you too the bones.
-I want to be light enough so a helium balloon could lift me and carry me to the clouds.
-I want to be as light as a feather and tumble
-Let your bones define the beauty of your body.
-Empty is pure. Starving is pure.
-I can get thinner. I can cut it all off. I can wear low slung Levi's and crop tops and long straight dresses like willowy models, and I will grasp with the breathlessness of being airborne. I can fly and be free. I never realized how easy it was.
-Ana, my friend, my companion. -Starve my pain away. Make me beautiful. Make everything ok. Turn my problems into bones. Crush them up. Gather the remains. Blow away the dust.
-Anyone can have "inner beauty" but few can earn real beauty, inside as well as out.
-Thin has a taste all its own.
-Nothing tastes as good as thin feels.
-Don't suffer from anorexia and bulimia. Enjoy every minute of it!
-People will remember you as Beautiful
-You'll be able to run faster without all that extra weight dragging you down.
-You will be able to see your beautiful, beautiful bones.
-Only thin people are graceful.
-You'll be able to move as quietly and skillfully as a spider.
-It's not like beauty will make you especially interesting, but it will help people to get interested in your soul. -Within me lies a treasure hunt. When I lose I win.
-Lose everything and what is real will still remain.
-One day I will be thin enough. Just the bones, no disfiguring flesh. Just the pure clear shape of me, bones. That is what we all are, what we're made up of and everything else is just storage, deposit, waste. Strip it away, use it up.
-I've freed myself from this compulsion of eating. When I wake, I am empty, light-headed. I love to stay this way, free and pure, light on my feet, traveling as a feather.
-We turn skeletons into goddesses and look to them as if they might teach us how not to need. -Junk food is cheap but thin is priceless.
-Blessed are the starving, for they shall teach us not to want.
-Let me be empty and weightless and maybe I'll find peace tonight.

que evil music

goal measurements:
upper arm-8.5

my measurements(may24):

red=met goal