Thursday, April 29, 2010

two ana heads are better than one

i could use some help...

i spend all day from 9-6 with two girls at work
i work at a small-town health food store
we have food all around
and we all eat at work together
any ideas how to avoid this?
or any excuses i could use
(all the time)
its a health food store
so making up allergies and tolerences
been there done that
we have every option under the sun

i dread workdays.

p.s. thank you i will dance inbetween raindrops for your support!

broken record

yesterday would have been my last day on a juice fast.
buts lets face it.
this site should be called in mias hands.
no bingeing but the usually couldn't hack-it scheme.
i feel at this point immune to failure.
i expect it.
if only i could have a real-life ana buddy
i figure this is the same preception most anas have
on each of our shoulders we have mia and ana.
guiding us through the day.

i feel at this point that there is nothing else for me.
ed, is like the only path.
i try and try but i always end up lost.
to make it to the other side you follow the path, right?
i see people eat, normally(?) and they either are happy or stay thin
and i eat then i get fat
this i have come to except is life.
so i don't eat (much), and i maintain.

now what im going to say
anas will either agree or think im a waste.
that's fine. your opinions are yours.
and we can agree to disagree.
but to me
i hate my life
living by every meal
it controls me and everything i do
i mean i want more than anything to be thin
but sometimes i just have no will
i feel sometimes, maybe i am suppose to be that fat girl
then i think ARE YOU KIDDING!
its constant battle
and i get so tired of fighting myself
my erges and hunger.
some life i have.

[In my last blogs, i talked about drinking coffee as a splurge, i didn't mean it in the sense of calorie consumption but rather i was trying to cleanse myself from caffeine among other things.]

Sunday, April 25, 2010

a first look

well im fasting tomorrow morning.
right on track
but i did slip up and have black coffee and smoked.

i took a good hard look at myself today,
and do you know what i saw?
nobody, a complete stranger
this time last year my legs stood miles apart
my cheek bones stood out,
i weighed 110 pounds

and i felt strong. real strong.
i feel like i dont even know this weakling in front of me.
who have i become?
its not just the weight though, its all around.
i feel like im slipping away.
towards the deep end.

i have to figure this shit out.
i have to pull myself forward and stop looking back.
it just makes me sick thinking of all my mistakes and missed oppurtunites.
all that time wasted on sulking and feeling bad,
thats thing didn't quite turn out how i wanted them too.

what a cry baby, if you ask me
im strong, i will be strong.
if not for me but for the people i love
because without self control
i would be six feet under by now...

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

feeling bland.

two o'clock and feeling like a human being.
not hungry and not full.

I'm trying to fix myself.
i focus on food and exercise at all times.
it consumes me.
i know i have a problem
but i know i wouldn't want to fix it.
i am staring at my fat thighs.
they touch as i sit here.
if there was only a gap between them, even when i sit.
i would feel some much more content with my life.
i know something stupid like that shouldn't matter to me
but i have raised being thin on a pedestal for so long
that it has become a goal i need to reach.

i would think that I'm a smart girl,
who shouldn't be so invested in her looks
but i think it passed looking good
a long time ago
i am more focused on being someone
being something i perceive as perfect and happy.
that is what i think holds me here.
keeps me with ana and mia.
my two new best friends.
that perception of happiness.

my arms are weak.
the past few days i have been living at the gym
toning and running
stretching and sprinting.
I'm sore, mentally and physically.
i regret to inform you all, I'm still a balloon.
i lost two pounds, still have fifteen to go.
by June.
yikes, i have my work cut out for me.

worst part about this cleanse: stop smoking

Sunday, April 18, 2010

last dance

i feel like I'm always on a path to failure. every time i try and fix it its like I'm repeating the same moves as last time have i ever learned? will i ever? i repeat the same questions to myself every time and every time i leave a pound heavier and every time i want to start over, i have fewer expectations.
I'm so fucking disgusted with myself how have i got this big, how has it gone this far? i am out of options. its go the distance or eat yourself to death. i have to give up solid food. it has come to this, I'm disgusted with everything about my body. i hide under clothes i feel like the blob, the type that is in those horror pictures. i ooze with fat and blubber. rolls and cellulite.
i have been reading a lot about diets today, as i have be indulging in pizza. (Que the gasps) but i want to get this right. one week of elimination then a solid three weeks of no solids. there is a weight loss average of ten pounds. that's a good kick off start to my weight. its pretty gruesome but my weight now is 135. i know i know, I'm a mia who weighs 135. makes little sense, but that seems to be the theme these days.
anyway, i feel like this is my last option. my audience, though small is the only support i have. i will write to keep from binging. which happens to be my downfall
i have to exercise, to keep my energy up. five-six times a week, at least 500 calories each visit. i want to be 125, or hopefully less in a months time.
i really don't want this to be another failed mission. please cross fingers and support me. the diet is called Martha’s Vineyard Detox Diet. if anyone wants to join, the more the merrier. so to make this bittersweet message final. some thinspo would do....

Monday, April 12, 2010

well skinny loves.

I'm going on a fast for the next three days, maybe more if i can stand it.
but anyway, i only had an orange some pineapple and a granola bar today.
feeling pretty good.

i want that fast high you get without food for a couple of days.
i hope i can do it.
i am probably going to be on here for tips and help all three days.
i need to avoid foods temptations at every corner.

anybody have any fasting tips?
that would sure help.
will post later, have school right now.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

new goals

today i had one protein shake, an orange, orange juice, and two cups of coffee.
that adds up to about 450 calories. so its under 500 which is excellent for a cubby girl like me!

so right now im going to yoga and walking my pooch.
then later tonight, im going to the gym to burn off my extra calories.
i signed up for this diet tribe online account,
and accoring to them i have lose two pounds each week to be at my goal.
urgh, i hope i can do it!

thats 500 calories a day burning about 600-800 a day.
wish me luck, im going to need it.
im also avoiding sweets and carbs
only veggies, fruit, and almond milk.
with the as much water as humanly possible.
im feeling a little hopeless but i really want this.
so im going to push myself to the edge!

Monday, April 5, 2010

im fat.
what else is new?

the feeling is mutual.

for your ears only

Prefection Found

-I want to be so thin, light, airy, that when the light hits me, I don't leave a shadow behind.
-when I walk across the snow I will not leave so much as one footprint
-I can dance between the raindrops in a downpour.
-And you're my obsession. I love you too the bones.
-I want to be light enough so a helium balloon could lift me and carry me to the clouds.
-I want to be as light as a feather and tumble
-Let your bones define the beauty of your body.
-Empty is pure. Starving is pure.
-I can get thinner. I can cut it all off. I can wear low slung Levi's and crop tops and long straight dresses like willowy models, and I will grasp with the breathlessness of being airborne. I can fly and be free. I never realized how easy it was.
-Ana, my friend, my companion. -Starve my pain away. Make me beautiful. Make everything ok. Turn my problems into bones. Crush them up. Gather the remains. Blow away the dust.
-Anyone can have "inner beauty" but few can earn real beauty, inside as well as out.
-Thin has a taste all its own.
-Nothing tastes as good as thin feels.
-Don't suffer from anorexia and bulimia. Enjoy every minute of it!
-People will remember you as Beautiful
-You'll be able to run faster without all that extra weight dragging you down.
-You will be able to see your beautiful, beautiful bones.
-Only thin people are graceful.
-You'll be able to move as quietly and skillfully as a spider.
-It's not like beauty will make you especially interesting, but it will help people to get interested in your soul. -Within me lies a treasure hunt. When I lose I win.
-Lose everything and what is real will still remain.
-One day I will be thin enough. Just the bones, no disfiguring flesh. Just the pure clear shape of me, bones. That is what we all are, what we're made up of and everything else is just storage, deposit, waste. Strip it away, use it up.
-I've freed myself from this compulsion of eating. When I wake, I am empty, light-headed. I love to stay this way, free and pure, light on my feet, traveling as a feather.
-We turn skeletons into goddesses and look to them as if they might teach us how not to need. -Junk food is cheap but thin is priceless.
-Blessed are the starving, for they shall teach us not to want.
-Let me be empty and weightless and maybe I'll find peace tonight.

que evil music

goal measurements:
upper arm-8.5

my measurements(may24):

red=met goal