Monday, November 23, 2009

close encounters of the sister kind.

today was an errand-filled day, which means mind off food for a change. but the down fall is that i do not get to workout to break even. Making a promise to myself that before i do some yoga. I was with my older sister all morning, she is always a little bit suspicious if i don't eat which is because of her two months ago she finding some lax in my sock draw. She then attempted to have a stern talk with me about how immature i was being. Now i have to make it a point that we go to get something to eat i make sure she sees me having my meal of the day; my large coffee and protein bar.

Reminder to self: always eat while someones watching, leads away suspicions.

my faults when it comes to eating is being home. knowing my family has every trouble food under the sun leads me down the path of no return!. so when im out i try to stay out and about for as long as i can. my grandmother is the only one who assumes i don't eat but she isn't taken seriously.
i haven't been able to sleep in a while and every other hour i usually end up waking up, which leads me through the day dragging on in a half conscious state. not good a combination with driving.

larabar: 190 cal
large coffee: 10 cal
orange: 70 cal
1/2 apple: 50cal
apple cider: 120cal

yoga (45min)

I just thought of when i was little girlie it never mattered what i ate, that calories never existed.
now i think, who the hell was she? I actually remember the day when i was struck hard with the calorie stick. My sister's friend was home and i was eating something that back then seemed like a typical lunch, grilled cheese with bacon and her friend was staring at me and said "if you dont watch what you eat you will be fat and ugly" Repeating it makes it sound like a teen drama series, where then i end up pinching my fat ass in a mirror. But it played out alot like that i hate to say. i have been on and off really into weight but right now im at a dead end.
turning back around and limiting eating seems much like my only option.

more news tomorrow!,

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the feeling is mutual.

for your ears only

Prefection Found

-I want to be so thin, light, airy, that when the light hits me, I don't leave a shadow behind.
-when I walk across the snow I will not leave so much as one footprint
-I can dance between the raindrops in a downpour.
-And you're my obsession. I love you too the bones.
-I want to be light enough so a helium balloon could lift me and carry me to the clouds.
-I want to be as light as a feather and tumble
-Let your bones define the beauty of your body.
-Empty is pure. Starving is pure.
-I can get thinner. I can cut it all off. I can wear low slung Levi's and crop tops and long straight dresses like willowy models, and I will grasp with the breathlessness of being airborne. I can fly and be free. I never realized how easy it was.
-Ana, my friend, my companion. -Starve my pain away. Make me beautiful. Make everything ok. Turn my problems into bones. Crush them up. Gather the remains. Blow away the dust.
-Anyone can have "inner beauty" but few can earn real beauty, inside as well as out.
-Thin has a taste all its own.
-Nothing tastes as good as thin feels.
-Don't suffer from anorexia and bulimia. Enjoy every minute of it!
-People will remember you as Beautiful
-You'll be able to run faster without all that extra weight dragging you down.
-You will be able to see your beautiful, beautiful bones.
-Only thin people are graceful.
-You'll be able to move as quietly and skillfully as a spider.
-It's not like beauty will make you especially interesting, but it will help people to get interested in your soul. -Within me lies a treasure hunt. When I lose I win.
-Lose everything and what is real will still remain.
-One day I will be thin enough. Just the bones, no disfiguring flesh. Just the pure clear shape of me, bones. That is what we all are, what we're made up of and everything else is just storage, deposit, waste. Strip it away, use it up.
-I've freed myself from this compulsion of eating. When I wake, I am empty, light-headed. I love to stay this way, free and pure, light on my feet, traveling as a feather.
-We turn skeletons into goddesses and look to them as if they might teach us how not to need. -Junk food is cheap but thin is priceless.
-Blessed are the starving, for they shall teach us not to want.
-Let me be empty and weightless and maybe I'll find peace tonight.

que evil music

goal measurements:
upper arm-8.5

my measurements(may24):

red=met goal