well this morning i woke up thinking what am i doing, just eat god damn it.
then i went to the kitchen and had a bowl of cereal and the moment i finished the bowl and i got up and felt the food inside me i felt so sick and discusted with myself! i tired throwing up but i couldn't toss the food being that everyone in my family was up and running around.
then i had a melt down. i sat on my toilet crying for 30 minutes thinking what a pathetic loser i have become, i really am, my thighs could literally take over a country and my hips can't fit through a door. i try avoid mirrors altogether now except after my showers, thats the time when i point out every discusting flaw on my body that everyone sees and i hide from.
my 200 calorie breakfast choice! great idea coraline.
im a fucking idoit who will die of obesity and look like those
chums on the biggest loser, you wait and see.
im still just a tiny bit emotional right now and im sorry for taking it out in this blog.
you dont need to here my baby chatter of blubber.
okay well after my meltdown this morning i got up and figured a 30 hour fast, thats until four o'clock tomorrow night will do me just fine. get some of that soy milk and cereal out. plus i will regenerate and think about what it takes to be ana, maybe come to a new solution on how i can be a better ana.
after the 30 hour fast i really really dont want to spoil myself with food like binge it out, i need a safe food i can eat it with. i was thinking a cabbage soup or miso. or something thats clear and pure. like i wish i could be!
oh, how are the holidays spent at normal houses, for these up and coming holidays i WILL NEED HELP. my family eats like really eats.
like if you gave them one ten pound turkey, one baked ham, and one lamb (which they eat but makes me cry) and all the side dishes you can think of they will ask "where is dessert". and thats not a joke.
so i want a game plan for the holidays so i dont go in there blinded by food and then end up with my head in a toilet or worse with a full stomach!