Wednesday, December 16, 2009

well this morning i woke up thinking what am i doing, just eat god damn it.
then i went to the kitchen and had a bowl of cereal and the moment i finished the bowl and i got up and felt the food inside me i felt so sick and discusted with myself! i tired throwing up but i couldn't toss the food being that everyone in my family was up and running around.

then i had a melt down. i sat on my toilet crying for 30 minutes thinking what a pathetic loser i have become, i really am, my thighs could literally take over a country and my hips can't fit through a door. i try avoid mirrors altogether now except after my showers, thats the time when i point out every discusting flaw on my body that everyone sees and i hide from.

my 200 calorie breakfast choice! great idea coraline.
im a fucking idoit who will die of obesity and look like those

chums on the biggest loser, you wait and see.

im still just a tiny bit emotional right now and im sorry for taking it out in this blog.
you dont need to here my baby chatter of blubber.
okay well after my meltdown this morning i got up and figured a 30 hour fast, thats until four o'clock tomorrow night will do me just fine. get some of that soy milk and cereal out. plus i will regenerate and think about what it takes to be ana, maybe come to a new solution on how i can be a better ana.
after the 30 hour fast i really really dont want to spoil myself with food like binge it out, i need a safe food i can eat it with. i was thinking a cabbage soup or miso. or something thats clear and pure. like i wish i could be!

oh, how are the holidays spent at normal houses, for these up and coming holidays i WILL NEED HELP. my family eats like really eats.
like if you gave them one ten pound turkey, one baked ham, and one lamb (which they eat but makes me cry) and all the side dishes you can think of they will ask "where is dessert". and thats not a joke.

so i want a game plan for the holidays so i dont go in there blinded by food and then end up with my head in a toilet or worse with a full stomach!
thanks anas.

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the feeling is mutual.

for your ears only

Prefection Found

-I want to be so thin, light, airy, that when the light hits me, I don't leave a shadow behind.
-when I walk across the snow I will not leave so much as one footprint
-I can dance between the raindrops in a downpour.
-And you're my obsession. I love you too the bones.
-I want to be light enough so a helium balloon could lift me and carry me to the clouds.
-I want to be as light as a feather and tumble
-Let your bones define the beauty of your body.
-Empty is pure. Starving is pure.
-I can get thinner. I can cut it all off. I can wear low slung Levi's and crop tops and long straight dresses like willowy models, and I will grasp with the breathlessness of being airborne. I can fly and be free. I never realized how easy it was.
-Ana, my friend, my companion. -Starve my pain away. Make me beautiful. Make everything ok. Turn my problems into bones. Crush them up. Gather the remains. Blow away the dust.
-Anyone can have "inner beauty" but few can earn real beauty, inside as well as out.
-Thin has a taste all its own.
-Nothing tastes as good as thin feels.
-Don't suffer from anorexia and bulimia. Enjoy every minute of it!
-People will remember you as Beautiful
-You'll be able to run faster without all that extra weight dragging you down.
-You will be able to see your beautiful, beautiful bones.
-Only thin people are graceful.
-You'll be able to move as quietly and skillfully as a spider.
-It's not like beauty will make you especially interesting, but it will help people to get interested in your soul. -Within me lies a treasure hunt. When I lose I win.
-Lose everything and what is real will still remain.
-One day I will be thin enough. Just the bones, no disfiguring flesh. Just the pure clear shape of me, bones. That is what we all are, what we're made up of and everything else is just storage, deposit, waste. Strip it away, use it up.
-I've freed myself from this compulsion of eating. When I wake, I am empty, light-headed. I love to stay this way, free and pure, light on my feet, traveling as a feather.
-We turn skeletons into goddesses and look to them as if they might teach us how not to need. -Junk food is cheap but thin is priceless.
-Blessed are the starving, for they shall teach us not to want.
-Let me be empty and weightless and maybe I'll find peace tonight.

que evil music

goal measurements:
upper arm-8.5

my measurements(may24):

red=met goal