Monday, May 3, 2010

swimming with sharks

i have gone off the deep end.
salad for breakfast.
miso for dinner.
im going to continue eating this till im 110.

even i don't blieve this will work.
but i light-headed right now
so at this point i will believe anything.

about the whole, let me spill my secrets out
haven't heard from the person yet,
actually i think it may have been two people.
one only half way in the conversation
but the conversation went somethign like this.

ME:i wish i could waste away
Her: thats a strange thign to say
ME: not a strange thign to say when you are are fat as me

Her: is that a joke, you are at your perfect weight, you were way to skinny before

ME: well maybe i would be taht skinny if i stopped eating
Her: thats so stupid

ME: not stupid, enlightening. being thin is beautiful
Her: you sound like you have an eating disorder
Me: (pause) and if i did
Her: it would make you stupid
Me: Then call me Ishmael
Her: What are you saying?
Me: (takes more to drink) i have to go to the bathroom...

screwed or not screwed?
you be the judge.

2 comments:

anna.maria said...

well at first I thought you said a lot more.. that's not as bad as it seems though. You didn't say THAT much, and you sounded like a drunk person (lol) so you can relax and just say it was sth you said but doesn't really count, doesn't really mean anything.

Lund3on said...

You can always deny that! You'll be fine! I'm sure that person blew you off as drunk and not realizing what you were saying. That's what I would think. I think you're in the clear.

the feeling is mutual.

for your ears only

Prefection Found

-I want to be so thin, light, airy, that when the light hits me, I don't leave a shadow behind.
-when I walk across the snow I will not leave so much as one footprint
-I can dance between the raindrops in a downpour.
-And you're my obsession. I love you too the bones.
-I want to be light enough so a helium balloon could lift me and carry me to the clouds.
-I want to be as light as a feather and tumble
-Let your bones define the beauty of your body.
-Empty is pure. Starving is pure.
-I can get thinner. I can cut it all off. I can wear low slung Levi's and crop tops and long straight dresses like willowy models, and I will grasp with the breathlessness of being airborne. I can fly and be free. I never realized how easy it was.
-Ana, my friend, my companion. -Starve my pain away. Make me beautiful. Make everything ok. Turn my problems into bones. Crush them up. Gather the remains. Blow away the dust.
-Anyone can have "inner beauty" but few can earn real beauty, inside as well as out.
-Thin has a taste all its own.
-Nothing tastes as good as thin feels.
-Don't suffer from anorexia and bulimia. Enjoy every minute of it!
-People will remember you as Beautiful
-You'll be able to run faster without all that extra weight dragging you down.
-You will be able to see your beautiful, beautiful bones.
-Only thin people are graceful.
-You'll be able to move as quietly and skillfully as a spider.
-It's not like beauty will make you especially interesting, but it will help people to get interested in your soul. -Within me lies a treasure hunt. When I lose I win.
-Lose everything and what is real will still remain.
-One day I will be thin enough. Just the bones, no disfiguring flesh. Just the pure clear shape of me, bones. That is what we all are, what we're made up of and everything else is just storage, deposit, waste. Strip it away, use it up.
-I've freed myself from this compulsion of eating. When I wake, I am empty, light-headed. I love to stay this way, free and pure, light on my feet, traveling as a feather.
-We turn skeletons into goddesses and look to them as if they might teach us how not to need. -Junk food is cheap but thin is priceless.
-Blessed are the starving, for they shall teach us not to want.
-Let me be empty and weightless and maybe I'll find peace tonight.

que evil music

goal measurements:
upper arm-8.5
forearm-8
wrist-5.5
bust-30
waist-25
ribcage-27
hips-33
thigh-16.5
calf-13

my measurements(may24):
upperarm-11
forearm-9
wrist-5.8
bust-32.5
ribcage-28.5
waist-26.5
hips-38.5
thigh-22
calf-14

red=met goal