Thursday, May 6, 2010

now we say goodnight, from our own separate sides

to get to the worst of it,
i had a fight with bridezilla
ended up on a diet soda, chocolate chip cookies, and popcorn binge.
and this is me, getting back from the good old toilet.
now my head feels like its not attached.


i hate my (self medicated) emotional eating
one stray from a normal day or breakdown leads to a whirlpool of food flowing down my throat and into my stomach. its like a flushing of emotion. isn't this how obese people act?
oh lucky day

afterward i feel sore. the woes of of mia finally just hit me.
i cant quite figure out what is worst, going on the binge or throwing it all up.
i was doing so fucking good, up to this point. even though throwing up "fixed" my bad but its the idea of venturing away from mia and into ana's arms, that is eating me up.
will i ever just be normal, and talk things out.
no way, of course i have to torture my body.
well it serves it right, looking like this...

why do i have to hate myself, please let me know now if this is an adolescent thing.
i really like to have some positive look in the future.
tell me! tell me!

i was watching episodes of supersize vs. superskinny.
these are the kinds of shows they need to have in the US.
reality shows about jersey shore are not cutting it for me.
i like to see what the skinny girls eat.

i know recently i have been preaching about trying to be ana.
but i wouldn't want anyone to have the wrong idea
it isn't ideal to be anorexic, but you become labelled in this world.
its like someone has a label maker just going down the list
putting us into categories, tagging our foreheads
this sounds bad.
im not a stereotype of nothing, but think about it.
from the moment we are born we are labelled and sorted into a category.
RACE, GENDER, CLASS, ETC.
i think if our world wasn't able to sort people,
what the hell would they do with all that free time?

anyway my point is, im not this or that
all anybody really wants is success.
success is measured by the beholder
my success is happiness, above all is to be content in my own skin.
I'm not exactly anorexic and im not exactly bulimic
i am very particular about food, try to eat healthy, most of the time it works out.
i binge on occasion and throw up.
do what you want with me.
but i will do as i may, and keep walking

1 comment:

miss alisha said...

I liked this entry. I feel like I can relate.

the feeling is mutual.

for your ears only

Prefection Found

-I want to be so thin, light, airy, that when the light hits me, I don't leave a shadow behind.
-when I walk across the snow I will not leave so much as one footprint
-I can dance between the raindrops in a downpour.
-And you're my obsession. I love you too the bones.
-I want to be light enough so a helium balloon could lift me and carry me to the clouds.
-I want to be as light as a feather and tumble
-Let your bones define the beauty of your body.
-Empty is pure. Starving is pure.
-I can get thinner. I can cut it all off. I can wear low slung Levi's and crop tops and long straight dresses like willowy models, and I will grasp with the breathlessness of being airborne. I can fly and be free. I never realized how easy it was.
-Ana, my friend, my companion. -Starve my pain away. Make me beautiful. Make everything ok. Turn my problems into bones. Crush them up. Gather the remains. Blow away the dust.
-Anyone can have "inner beauty" but few can earn real beauty, inside as well as out.
-Thin has a taste all its own.
-Nothing tastes as good as thin feels.
-Don't suffer from anorexia and bulimia. Enjoy every minute of it!
-People will remember you as Beautiful
-You'll be able to run faster without all that extra weight dragging you down.
-You will be able to see your beautiful, beautiful bones.
-Only thin people are graceful.
-You'll be able to move as quietly and skillfully as a spider.
-It's not like beauty will make you especially interesting, but it will help people to get interested in your soul. -Within me lies a treasure hunt. When I lose I win.
-Lose everything and what is real will still remain.
-One day I will be thin enough. Just the bones, no disfiguring flesh. Just the pure clear shape of me, bones. That is what we all are, what we're made up of and everything else is just storage, deposit, waste. Strip it away, use it up.
-I've freed myself from this compulsion of eating. When I wake, I am empty, light-headed. I love to stay this way, free and pure, light on my feet, traveling as a feather.
-We turn skeletons into goddesses and look to them as if they might teach us how not to need. -Junk food is cheap but thin is priceless.
-Blessed are the starving, for they shall teach us not to want.
-Let me be empty and weightless and maybe I'll find peace tonight.

que evil music

goal measurements:
upper arm-8.5
forearm-8
wrist-5.5
bust-30
waist-25
ribcage-27
hips-33
thigh-16.5
calf-13

my measurements(may24):
upperarm-11
forearm-9
wrist-5.8
bust-32.5
ribcage-28.5
waist-26.5
hips-38.5
thigh-22
calf-14

red=met goal