Monday, March 8, 2010

guess who back in town today

a request for an update, makes me feel slighty useful
with the risk of sounding tacky...this feels like home.
i have been bumbarded with school these past few weeks.
i feel tired and all i want to do is spend time with me.

i dont have much of a weight loss from these past days,
but i have been excerising and pushing myself to not be lazy.
i have been scared with my sisters wedding around the corner
and not being able to fit into my dress.
it is a size two, and according to the inetrnet my hips are to wide
and my boobs have grown.

i have ALWAYS been uneasy about big boobs,
the heavier you are, it seems your boobs follow suit.
i just find them unappealing, dont get me wrong
i dont tape my down or anything, but i like mine not to
"weigh" me down.
the other day i went out with my sister, 26
im underage so i had to "dress the part" if i wanted to go
i really couldn't have cared less if i went or not but i went
so the sake of her not drinking and driving.
but anyway, she basically wanted me to wear a skimpy dress
wtih tall heels. I have been very uncomfortable in my skin latey
so i felt gross the whole night. latey i have had hate for my fabby arms
and this sleeveless dress was unflattering.
when i told my sister, nicole about this she just walked away.
saying basically she didn't want to hear it
so you what kind of suport i have.

food wise. i just eat breakfast around 300 calories.
workout everyday except saturdays for two hours each day
and drink black coffee for the rest of the day.
its a lifestyle i hope pays off.
but who can be sure...

i dont know what else to do.
i have a secret obession with those body magazines.
SHAPE, Self, Fitness, Woman's health, etc.
they give me tips on excerising, among other things.
i think i have become obessed with woman
who get there life together and loss weigh.
i hope to be one of those woman, i guess.

i need to lose twenty pounds plus for my sisters wedding.
the thing is i read everything i need to know
and have failed everytime.
i dont know how to start and need help balancing ana,
without losing my head.
it a shame we can't have both....

No comments:

the feeling is mutual.

for your ears only

Prefection Found

-I want to be so thin, light, airy, that when the light hits me, I don't leave a shadow behind.
-when I walk across the snow I will not leave so much as one footprint
-I can dance between the raindrops in a downpour.
-And you're my obsession. I love you too the bones.
-I want to be light enough so a helium balloon could lift me and carry me to the clouds.
-I want to be as light as a feather and tumble
-Let your bones define the beauty of your body.
-Empty is pure. Starving is pure.
-I can get thinner. I can cut it all off. I can wear low slung Levi's and crop tops and long straight dresses like willowy models, and I will grasp with the breathlessness of being airborne. I can fly and be free. I never realized how easy it was.
-Ana, my friend, my companion. -Starve my pain away. Make me beautiful. Make everything ok. Turn my problems into bones. Crush them up. Gather the remains. Blow away the dust.
-Anyone can have "inner beauty" but few can earn real beauty, inside as well as out.
-Thin has a taste all its own.
-Nothing tastes as good as thin feels.
-Don't suffer from anorexia and bulimia. Enjoy every minute of it!
-People will remember you as Beautiful
-You'll be able to run faster without all that extra weight dragging you down.
-You will be able to see your beautiful, beautiful bones.
-Only thin people are graceful.
-You'll be able to move as quietly and skillfully as a spider.
-It's not like beauty will make you especially interesting, but it will help people to get interested in your soul. -Within me lies a treasure hunt. When I lose I win.
-Lose everything and what is real will still remain.
-One day I will be thin enough. Just the bones, no disfiguring flesh. Just the pure clear shape of me, bones. That is what we all are, what we're made up of and everything else is just storage, deposit, waste. Strip it away, use it up.
-I've freed myself from this compulsion of eating. When I wake, I am empty, light-headed. I love to stay this way, free and pure, light on my feet, traveling as a feather.
-We turn skeletons into goddesses and look to them as if they might teach us how not to need. -Junk food is cheap but thin is priceless.
-Blessed are the starving, for they shall teach us not to want.
-Let me be empty and weightless and maybe I'll find peace tonight.

que evil music

goal measurements:
upper arm-8.5

my measurements(may24):

red=met goal