Sunday, February 7, 2010

pizza is not my friend.



today i went the whole day thinking about the frozen pizza in my fridge.

it went from a thought to an obession.

i ate it, i can hear the dissappointing grunts from those of you reading this.


i am myself three times more dissppointed.

iwant to be able to fell better, say to myself:

NO dont do this again you will have a new day tomorrow

eat nothing and feel free from food.

but when that belly is empty and you only focus on the passing vending machines

and the contents of your fridge, you continue to set yourself up for failure.


i know i can be a great ana, i feel it.

i just need to find the wood to start the fire.

its just feeling like my mission is hopeless.
i would love some support, because lately i have been in my head.


tomorrow is usually food shopping day
which consists of:
lara bars
pears
blackberries
spinach
bananas
carrot juice
rice milk
rice milk juice boxes (im a child)
low calorie canned soup
one hundred calorie popcorn packs
grapes
low calorie crackers
almond butter ( i have a peanut butter craving about every hour, almond butter has less calories and about the same nut butter taste)
sugar free gum
seltzer water( the bubbles fill my tummy)
ginger chews

lately it hasn't been that good, i sneak chocolate in the cart.
but tomorrow no chocolate

i want to become the envy of my past self.

anyway right now im watching Americas Next Top Model, wishing i was them.

so im going to continue my unfortunate life, any other ideas?


2 comments:

Jane-Doe said...

if those obsessive hunger thoughts are invading your mind while youre just hanging out at the house- just get out, go for a walk, or shopping, or do something that will completely take your mind off of it, and you wont feel hungry anymore- esp if its something where youre exercising or shopping (which really focuses on your body- and you feel good for not eating that food that was taunting you)...

Coraline said...

thanks jane doe

the feeling is mutual.

for your ears only

Prefection Found

-I want to be so thin, light, airy, that when the light hits me, I don't leave a shadow behind.
-when I walk across the snow I will not leave so much as one footprint
-I can dance between the raindrops in a downpour.
-And you're my obsession. I love you too the bones.
-I want to be light enough so a helium balloon could lift me and carry me to the clouds.
-I want to be as light as a feather and tumble
-Let your bones define the beauty of your body.
-Empty is pure. Starving is pure.
-I can get thinner. I can cut it all off. I can wear low slung Levi's and crop tops and long straight dresses like willowy models, and I will grasp with the breathlessness of being airborne. I can fly and be free. I never realized how easy it was.
-Ana, my friend, my companion. -Starve my pain away. Make me beautiful. Make everything ok. Turn my problems into bones. Crush them up. Gather the remains. Blow away the dust.
-Anyone can have "inner beauty" but few can earn real beauty, inside as well as out.
-Thin has a taste all its own.
-Nothing tastes as good as thin feels.
-Don't suffer from anorexia and bulimia. Enjoy every minute of it!
-People will remember you as Beautiful
-You'll be able to run faster without all that extra weight dragging you down.
-You will be able to see your beautiful, beautiful bones.
-Only thin people are graceful.
-You'll be able to move as quietly and skillfully as a spider.
-It's not like beauty will make you especially interesting, but it will help people to get interested in your soul. -Within me lies a treasure hunt. When I lose I win.
-Lose everything and what is real will still remain.
-One day I will be thin enough. Just the bones, no disfiguring flesh. Just the pure clear shape of me, bones. That is what we all are, what we're made up of and everything else is just storage, deposit, waste. Strip it away, use it up.
-I've freed myself from this compulsion of eating. When I wake, I am empty, light-headed. I love to stay this way, free and pure, light on my feet, traveling as a feather.
-We turn skeletons into goddesses and look to them as if they might teach us how not to need. -Junk food is cheap but thin is priceless.
-Blessed are the starving, for they shall teach us not to want.
-Let me be empty and weightless and maybe I'll find peace tonight.

que evil music

goal measurements:
upper arm-8.5
forearm-8
wrist-5.5
bust-30
waist-25
ribcage-27
hips-33
thigh-16.5
calf-13

my measurements(may24):
upperarm-11
forearm-9
wrist-5.8
bust-32.5
ribcage-28.5
waist-26.5
hips-38.5
thigh-22
calf-14

red=met goal