Monday, January 25, 2010

open arms

seems like i haven't been on this thing in ages...
okay, its time i be honest with you and myself:
i was scared, there i said it.
i have to admit that being ana is alot more than what i expected.
I think my big blow out happened after i lost my ana-texting friend.
She gave me that boost of assurance and support that i needed. But
she left and with her left my hope for prefection.
Out of fear and corwardness i left ana, left her in the cold. Went to a place where i hid behind
lies and more self doubt then i assumed. I figured that i would never be who i wanted to be
and that i would hid in shame from my still lingering ana persona. Its really hard to express
and admit what a coward i have been. From the moments i left this blog i still think i realized
how much ana has changed my mentality.
As hard as it was i just have to work just as hard now, i need ana back as much as i need the air i breathe. I just have to welcome her with open arms and hope for the same reaction in return.
i hear she is forgiving, but will she ever forgive me?

its about time i start thinking realistic, i have dreams of being comfrontable in my own skin. Eating a what society percieved as normal never helped me embody this dream.

i have discussed that even without a supportive buddy i can still ahieve this dream
i have my own two feet, i have to rely on myself.

No comments:

the feeling is mutual.

for your ears only

Prefection Found

-I want to be so thin, light, airy, that when the light hits me, I don't leave a shadow behind.
-when I walk across the snow I will not leave so much as one footprint
-I can dance between the raindrops in a downpour.
-And you're my obsession. I love you too the bones.
-I want to be light enough so a helium balloon could lift me and carry me to the clouds.
-I want to be as light as a feather and tumble
-Let your bones define the beauty of your body.
-Empty is pure. Starving is pure.
-I can get thinner. I can cut it all off. I can wear low slung Levi's and crop tops and long straight dresses like willowy models, and I will grasp with the breathlessness of being airborne. I can fly and be free. I never realized how easy it was.
-Ana, my friend, my companion. -Starve my pain away. Make me beautiful. Make everything ok. Turn my problems into bones. Crush them up. Gather the remains. Blow away the dust.
-Anyone can have "inner beauty" but few can earn real beauty, inside as well as out.
-Thin has a taste all its own.
-Nothing tastes as good as thin feels.
-Don't suffer from anorexia and bulimia. Enjoy every minute of it!
-People will remember you as Beautiful
-You'll be able to run faster without all that extra weight dragging you down.
-You will be able to see your beautiful, beautiful bones.
-Only thin people are graceful.
-You'll be able to move as quietly and skillfully as a spider.
-It's not like beauty will make you especially interesting, but it will help people to get interested in your soul. -Within me lies a treasure hunt. When I lose I win.
-Lose everything and what is real will still remain.
-One day I will be thin enough. Just the bones, no disfiguring flesh. Just the pure clear shape of me, bones. That is what we all are, what we're made up of and everything else is just storage, deposit, waste. Strip it away, use it up.
-I've freed myself from this compulsion of eating. When I wake, I am empty, light-headed. I love to stay this way, free and pure, light on my feet, traveling as a feather.
-We turn skeletons into goddesses and look to them as if they might teach us how not to need. -Junk food is cheap but thin is priceless.
-Blessed are the starving, for they shall teach us not to want.
-Let me be empty and weightless and maybe I'll find peace tonight.

que evil music

goal measurements:
upper arm-8.5

my measurements(may24):

red=met goal