Wednesday, January 27, 2010

learning to crawl.

this is what happens to me: i eating only raw veggies and fruit all day. at night my sweet tooth caves and i eat something bad. usually a couple of cookies or a spoonful of peanut butter or otherwise (most likely) everything in sight. so then i throw it up! ( oh mia, why do you have such a control over me) i decided that if im going to a good mia i start with a fast. i fast usually for one to two days. then it ends with me acting like a fat man at an all you can eat buffet. its pretty discusting. none the less the cycle continues until i have breakdowns. my issue is i never stay on track. i get lost in my calorie counting lists and plans to lose weight. they are all over my room. overwhelming me of the countless failures i have been though. i tossed them all. i need a fresh start. a honest, positive, and gradual start.
so i have decided that my brand new plan is to go through the day
eating only what i can hold in my hand, small portion.
i eat breakfast like a 100-300 calorie meal.
i drink water before each meal and after to insure fullness.
i have a green drink for lunch.
and have veggies and fruit the remainder of the day.

when that sweet tooth kicks in, because i know it will
i will have my LARGE cup of chai tea with a little rice milk.

for excerise, this is actually sad.
i used to when i was 110 pounds, run 5-6 miles each morning,
now i can barely run around a mile and need to catch a breath.
i have been smoking, but i think im just way out of shape.
you must learn to crawl before you can walk.
im going to do basic yoga/pilates
walking for an hour at a time, doing sprints occasionally.

i just want to know what im doing to correct and actually going to prove
effects. who knows though right.

water with lemon-5
a mini bagel- 180
a banana -120
green drink- 120
small soup-120
chai tea-0

No comments:

the feeling is mutual.

for your ears only

Prefection Found

-I want to be so thin, light, airy, that when the light hits me, I don't leave a shadow behind.
-when I walk across the snow I will not leave so much as one footprint
-I can dance between the raindrops in a downpour.
-And you're my obsession. I love you too the bones.
-I want to be light enough so a helium balloon could lift me and carry me to the clouds.
-I want to be as light as a feather and tumble
-Let your bones define the beauty of your body.
-Empty is pure. Starving is pure.
-I can get thinner. I can cut it all off. I can wear low slung Levi's and crop tops and long straight dresses like willowy models, and I will grasp with the breathlessness of being airborne. I can fly and be free. I never realized how easy it was.
-Ana, my friend, my companion. -Starve my pain away. Make me beautiful. Make everything ok. Turn my problems into bones. Crush them up. Gather the remains. Blow away the dust.
-Anyone can have "inner beauty" but few can earn real beauty, inside as well as out.
-Thin has a taste all its own.
-Nothing tastes as good as thin feels.
-Don't suffer from anorexia and bulimia. Enjoy every minute of it!
-People will remember you as Beautiful
-You'll be able to run faster without all that extra weight dragging you down.
-You will be able to see your beautiful, beautiful bones.
-Only thin people are graceful.
-You'll be able to move as quietly and skillfully as a spider.
-It's not like beauty will make you especially interesting, but it will help people to get interested in your soul. -Within me lies a treasure hunt. When I lose I win.
-Lose everything and what is real will still remain.
-One day I will be thin enough. Just the bones, no disfiguring flesh. Just the pure clear shape of me, bones. That is what we all are, what we're made up of and everything else is just storage, deposit, waste. Strip it away, use it up.
-I've freed myself from this compulsion of eating. When I wake, I am empty, light-headed. I love to stay this way, free and pure, light on my feet, traveling as a feather.
-We turn skeletons into goddesses and look to them as if they might teach us how not to need. -Junk food is cheap but thin is priceless.
-Blessed are the starving, for they shall teach us not to want.
-Let me be empty and weightless and maybe I'll find peace tonight.

que evil music

goal measurements:
upper arm-8.5

my measurements(may24):

red=met goal