Wednesday, April 21, 2010

feeling bland.


two o'clock and feeling like a human being.
not hungry and not full.

I'm trying to fix myself.
i focus on food and exercise at all times.
it consumes me.
i know i have a problem
but i know i wouldn't want to fix it.
i am staring at my fat thighs.
they touch as i sit here.
if there was only a gap between them, even when i sit.
i would feel some much more content with my life.
i know something stupid like that shouldn't matter to me
but i have raised being thin on a pedestal for so long
that it has become a goal i need to reach.

i would think that I'm a smart girl,
who shouldn't be so invested in her looks
but i think it passed looking good
a long time ago
i am more focused on being someone
being something i perceive as perfect and happy.
that is what i think holds me here.
keeps me with ana and mia.
my two new best friends.
that perception of happiness.

my arms are weak.
the past few days i have been living at the gym
toning and running
stretching and sprinting.
I'm sore, mentally and physically.
i regret to inform you all, I'm still a balloon.
i lost two pounds, still have fifteen to go.
by June.
yikes, i have my work cut out for me.


worst part about this cleanse: stop smoking

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the feeling is mutual.

for your ears only


MusicPlaylist
Music Playlist at MixPod.com

Prefection Found

-I want to be so thin, light, airy, that when the light hits me, I don't leave a shadow behind.
-when I walk across the snow I will not leave so much as one footprint
-I can dance between the raindrops in a downpour.
-And you're my obsession. I love you too the bones.
-I want to be light enough so a helium balloon could lift me and carry me to the clouds.
-I want to be as light as a feather and tumble
-Let your bones define the beauty of your body.
-Empty is pure. Starving is pure.
-I can get thinner. I can cut it all off. I can wear low slung Levi's and crop tops and long straight dresses like willowy models, and I will grasp with the breathlessness of being airborne. I can fly and be free. I never realized how easy it was.
-Ana, my friend, my companion. -Starve my pain away. Make me beautiful. Make everything ok. Turn my problems into bones. Crush them up. Gather the remains. Blow away the dust.
-Anyone can have "inner beauty" but few can earn real beauty, inside as well as out.
-Thin has a taste all its own.
-Nothing tastes as good as thin feels.
-Don't suffer from anorexia and bulimia. Enjoy every minute of it!
-People will remember you as Beautiful
-You'll be able to run faster without all that extra weight dragging you down.
-You will be able to see your beautiful, beautiful bones.
-Only thin people are graceful.
-You'll be able to move as quietly and skillfully as a spider.
-It's not like beauty will make you especially interesting, but it will help people to get interested in your soul. -Within me lies a treasure hunt. When I lose I win.
-Lose everything and what is real will still remain.
-One day I will be thin enough. Just the bones, no disfiguring flesh. Just the pure clear shape of me, bones. That is what we all are, what we're made up of and everything else is just storage, deposit, waste. Strip it away, use it up.
-I've freed myself from this compulsion of eating. When I wake, I am empty, light-headed. I love to stay this way, free and pure, light on my feet, traveling as a feather.
-We turn skeletons into goddesses and look to them as if they might teach us how not to need. -Junk food is cheap but thin is priceless.
-Blessed are the starving, for they shall teach us not to want.
-Let me be empty and weightless and maybe I'll find peace tonight.

que evil music

goal measurements:
upper arm-8.5
forearm-8
wrist-5.5
bust-30
waist-25
ribcage-27
hips-33
thigh-16.5
calf-13

my measurements(may24):
upperarm-11
forearm-9
wrist-5.8
bust-32.5
ribcage-28.5
waist-26.5
hips-38.5
thigh-22
calf-14

red=met goal