broken record

yesterday would have been my last day on a juice fast.
buts lets face it.
this site should be called in mias hands.
no bingeing but the usually couldn't hack-it scheme.
i feel at this point immune to failure.
i expect it.
if only i could have a real-life ana buddy
i figure this is the same preception most anas have
on each of our shoulders we have mia and ana.
guiding us through the day.

i feel at this point that there is nothing else for me.
ed, is like the only path.
i try and try but i always end up lost.
to make it to the other side you follow the path, right?
i see people eat, normally(?) and they either are happy or stay thin
and i eat then i get fat
this i have come to except is life.
so i don't eat (much), and i maintain.

now what im going to say
anas will either agree or think im a waste.
that's fine. your opinions are yours.
and we can agree to disagree.
but to me
i hate my life
living by every meal
it controls me and everything i do
i mean i want more than anything to be thin
but sometimes i just have no will
i feel sometimes, maybe i am suppose to be that fat girl
then i think ARE YOU KIDDING!
its constant battle
and i get so tired of fighting myself
my erges and hunger.
some life i have.




[In my last blogs, i talked about drinking coffee as a splurge, i didn't mean it in the sense of calorie consumption but rather i was trying to cleanse myself from caffeine among other things.]